Idiosyncrasies

What about the children?

2009-09-30T13:07:00.007-04:00

I haven't written on here in quite a while, mostly for lack of anything worthy to say - I've reevaluated my reasons for creating a blog and they do not include giant rants about my own life, which were the majority of everything I posted. Instead my aim is to enlighten, amuse, or even just give a bored person something intelligent to read.

My motivating topic for today is something I've been trying to avoid here for my own personal reasons, but it's quite necessary to bring it up at the moment: pediatric cancer awareness.

Honestly, how many of you knew that September was Pediatric Cancer Awareness month? My bet is very few, if any at all. Now how many of you know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month? ...And the hands fly up.

The pink is hard not to miss - sororities set up tables and ask for donations, the waiters at Hard Rock Cafe push breast cancer supporting merchandise on their guests, grocery stores sell ribbons, TV and radio are full of celebrities advocating for breast cancer support. We are simply bombarded. SAVE THE TATAS! With such great awareness initiatives and fund raising, it's no wonder that breast cancer is one of the most curable forms of cancer.

I wear three rubber bracelets on my right arm, one of which is gray and yellow. This particular bracelet says HOPE RULES CURE KIDS. I wear it in honor of my little brother, Stefan, who died of a brain cancer diagnosis in 2006. Since then, it has also become a symbol of the innumerable other children I've watched waste away - Caleb, Regina, Jessica, Brayden... - and all of the brave little warriors still fighting for their lives. They deserve a little recognition, don't you think? There are toddlers who have lived their lives in a hospital, getting poked and tested, and they think it's normal. There are children too young to understand why they have to be subjected to treatments that make them sick, but they go through it anyway. The courage that each and everyone of these kids musters is awe inspiring, yet the only people who are there to support them are the others who were thrust into that world by a cancer of their own. Had my brother not been diagnosed with a brain tumor, I'd probably never have fathomed that children were dropping like flies.

I was prompted to express my feelings after reading the following letter written by Kim Spady, a cancer survivor herself whose eleven year-old son, Caleb, recently died of a brain tumor.

The end of September is approaching and Childhood Cancer Awareness Month has passed, largely unnoticed by society. The rush to shower us with pink in recognition of Breast Cancer Awareness month is reminiscent of the crowding away of pumpkins and scarecrows by Christmas trees and snowmen. Except there's no pushing gold aside. The way is clear for pink.

Even the American Cancer Society -- the outfit that professes to represent all cancers and provide support for everyone affected by the disease -- the organization for which we all come together and raise funds by holding a Relay each year -- has chosen not to recognize Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.

Go to www.cancer.org and what do you see? The banner at the top of the page is pink and touts the ACS' commitment to fighting breast cancer.

Of course, I, among all people, am grateful for the focus of so many foundations and researchers on breast cancer. I know I wouldn't be looking at a future that is likely cancer free (or free of breast cancer, anyway) without the research and the focus on breast cancer during the past decade.

Still -- I'd rather have my son.
What if the focus that remains on breast cancer was turned to pediatric brain cancer?

I know millions of women are affected by breast cancer. But almost all of them are effectively treated.

Only thousands of kids are affected by brain cancer. But many -- perhaps most -- of them die.

This is so politically incorrect, I am hesitant to write it. But, as I write, I am without breasts and sans colon.

And one son short a full house.

If anyone can speak to this issue, I think I can.

I am grateful for the pink that signals the arrival of October in our day and time. I just wish there was a wave of gold -- more in terms of funding for research, but also in terms of awareness -- to usher in the pink.

If you are reading this, you know. You have traveled this tragic journey with us and you are aware of the impact of pediatric cancer on families.

Will you spread the word to someone who doesn't know today? Send an e-mail. Copy this to your blog, your faceook, your twitter. Write a letter to a corporation or a legislator. Or to an editor.

Christine Reid, a colleague and fellow OCU Law and Hatton Sumner alum is editor of the "Kingfisher Times and Free Press". She was astonished at the lack of attention given to childhood cancers and wrote a fabulous article on this subject earlier this month -- for which we are most grateful.

Here is an excerpt:

September is a disease awareness month, which you probably recognized by the gold ribbons displayed on all the corporate advertising on TV and in magazines and the special media reports.

What’s that? You haven’t seen any? That’s because, for some reason, this class of diseases attracts hardly any public attention.

If I said “pink ribbon,” you would have immediately thought of breast cancer. “Red ribbon” might be a little trickier, but eventually you would have come up with heart disease.

But the gold ribbon is nearly invisible. It represents childhood cancers.

Today, as you read this, the equivalent of a classroom full of children will be diagnosed with cancer in the U.S., more than 12,400 a year. About 4,000 child cancer victims will die this year, making cancer the number one disease-related killer of children under 14.

While 75 percent of childhood cancer cases are curable, for some forms, a cure remains illusive.

Only one new cancer drug has been approved for pediatric use over the past two decades. For some of the rarest, but most deadly, childhood cancers, no new treatments have been introduced in more than three decades.

For every one child diagnosed with pediatric AIDS, 15 children are diagnosed with cancer, yet available funding dollars designated for research are vastly disproportionate: $595,000 for each AIDS victim and only $20,000 for each pediatric cancer victim.

Federal funding for breast cancer research is more than double that for all 12 major groups of pediatric cancer combined.

Those statistics are staggering, particularly here in Kingfisher County where we can superimpose the faces of so many amazing children over those raw numbers: Zach, Morgan, Colby, Logan and Shaelyn are just a few that come to mind.

Those portraits in courage, whose resilience and tenacity – sometimes against all odds – have inspired us all, make it even more important that our gold ribbons are not invisible this September.

For the full article: http://tinyurl.com/n64s4u

Caleb's website: https://www.carepages.com/carepages/KeepingUpWithCaleb

I personally think that it's great that the whole nation can come together and really make waves with breast cancer. If only we could do the same thing for our children. The prospects of a child making it through cancer unscathed are grim. If he doesn't succumb, he has to deal with physical and mental disabilities for the rest of his life.

These children need someone to care, someone to notice and encourage them, someone to fight for their rights and their lives right along side them. Pediatric Cancer Awareness month has ended, but their struggle never does.

♥ j.j.

For a glimpse at the impact of childhood cancer, check out http://www.icouldbeyourchild.org/ and www.JustOneMoreDay.org

Why am I still in school? (condensed)

2009-03-31T10:45:00.004-04:00

Here I am again at this crappy school computer. I can hardly read the text, the screen is so bad, but at least I have a computer and I'm not sitting through a boring class (okay. It's boring, but I can keep myself entertained with the Internet in front of me.) Class. I don't even know why I bother. I'm into 8 colleges already and I'm sure if I failed at least one of those would still accept me. This whole no sleep, too much work, being expected to get everything done on time thing is getting wayy too old. College can't come fast enough. Now if only I could pay for it...I've gotten a couple more scholarship offers, both really good covering nearly all of half of the cost. And both for girls' schools. I don't have a problem with girls' schools except for the fact that all the students there are girls. I'll get over it, though, if I have to. Getting a degree trumps being completely comfortable any day. I do want to be able to earn a living in the future. Maybe I'll get lucky and hit it big with one of my books. Then I can live at home doing whatever the heck I want and not have to worry about finding a job.

The thing I worry about most with a future career is that I don't want to be bored. I don't want to be at a desk doing paper work or behind a computer all day long answering emails and drawing up presentations and all that stuff that working folks do. That's why I'm going into science. At least then I'll be bored at a lab bench :-) Actually, lately I've been thinking that I might want to pursue being a field geologist again. I wanted to be one from 4th to 7th grade and then I switched to being a crime scene investigator when faced with an English project that required me to make a powerpoint. Rocks are interesting to me but not necessarily to other people. Blood and murders are so much more audience friendly.

Okay. That's all I have time for right now. I just remembered that I have a quarter final next period. Gotta study. Don't know why. Eight colleges. Eight. That's got to be a record.

Hello, strangers

2009-03-18T15:33:00.008-04:00

Well. It's been quite a while, I guess, since the last time I wrote. Since Christmas, in fact. You'd never know that the biggest New Year's resolution I made was to write at least once a week...But anyways, my long absence can attest to the absolutely horrible couple months I've had by way of never having any time to do anything because of yearbook staff obligations, being debilitating sick for a week, and going out of town for a few days to visit a college.

Oh, college, you fickle friend you. It seems to be the way of those to build up your hopes of attending with an acceptance letter and praise for great academics and leadership and then smash them all the bits by offering up a scholarship that covers not even a fourth of the cost. And you know, they have to deliver the news that they think you're amazing, but not amazing enough to actually give sufficient money to by way of giant envelope filled with gold confetti and script "Congratulations!" *sigh* Oh well. At least I have a few choices. I'm into five schools so far and would actually go to three of those (girl school and intense tech school excepted). Hopefully by April 2nd I will have all my acceptance decisions and some more funds to work with so I can make a decision. Just a few more weeks of uncertainty.

There's always a call for updates on my personal life, so here it is, quick and simple. Got over crush from last year more or less (that was my other new years resolution), have a new guy that's super cool (he's teaching me to fist fight!), basically happy the way everything is right now, still need a date for prom which is coming up pretty soon (have to take someone from my school, want to take old crush and go strictly as just friends.) That covers most of it. Mhmm.

You might have noticed the new layout. I got tired of the pink earlier this year and changed it. I'm not quite sure if I really like it, but we'll see. Mixing things up never hurts.

♥ j.j.

Deck the Halls & a liiitle bit of ego (just a little...)

2008-12-21T22:58:00.008-05:00

Christmas comes this time each year.

Amazing insight from the Beach boys. Christmas does, indeed, come this time each year. And I love it. Christmas is my second favorite holiday, being beaten only by Halloween and it's very close. I'm looking for cello and violin sheet music because I got a violin yesterday. Best present ever. If only I knew how to tune it and didn't break the G string. I'm really hoping I get some time soon so that I'll be able to learn to play the violin and regain my awesomeness on the cello. I aim to be Yo-Yo Ma by the time I'm off to college. (Which reminds me, his Songs of Joy and Peace album that just came out is great stuff. It can do without some of the women singing and maybe a tad less jazz, but other than that, I love it.) I think that's a fair goal, yes? Maybe I should try to be him at age 7, which would still be like master. He played for JFK at the White House then.

So I made the dangerous decision not to buy my mom anything for Christmas. I realized after two trips to the mall that nothing I could buy would mean enough for me to actually give to her. I've got a special relationship with my mom and I think that pretty much anything tangible won't be special enough to give her. Instead I wrote a letter expressing those very sentiments and offered to make breakfast (although I recommended against it). It turned out alright. I don't think I can do this for every holiday though, so I better start planning for Mother's Day and actually come up with something I like enough to give her. I wrote her a poem this year.

So. Something's been bothering me for a couple weeks. Typing out my problems to someone always makes me feel better, but this particular problem is especially sensitive because complaining to the wrong person could cause an horrible mess and make many things very awkward for many people. The one person I'm confident I can tell was busy when I really wanted to tell him. That's why you readers of my blog get a vague recount. It's better than nothing. I've already talked the ears of my mom and Garth off about this, but talking out loud only gets me more worked up.

One of my friends (I use that term loosely) has felt the need to devalue everything I've said for the past couple weeks. This is a recent development, as our relationship has always been pretty nice and civil. A couple of the comments made to me or about me in my presence have crossed the line, but I've been nice enough to ignore it then and mull over it getting sad or angry later. Well the last time said person did this, they told me that I'm stuck on myself, in those words. This comes after I was complaining about aggressive colleges to someone else, mind you. It had nothing to do with how awesome I am and all to do about how upset I was about getting a Christmas greeting from a college when I was expecting my admissions decision. This comment made me particularly upset because I am not stuck on myself in any sense of the word. In fact, I've got a small inferiority complex which makes me depressed at least once a week. I think that when something happens, like me getting into two colleges the way I did, getting invited to play in olympic style games in Holland and all the other things that I get so excited about, I have a right to tell my friends and get them to celebrate with me. Happy dancing by myself is only fun for so long. Is it wrong to be excited when good stuff happens to me? If so, oh boy have I been living my life wrong.

I don't go overboard when I get excited, I just get really happy, so there's really no reason to think I'm stuck on myself. Maybe the high volume of good stuff happening has made the person think that I'm always bragging. But still, that isn't a reason to be mean to me. I honestly feel like I deserve the stuff that's happening to me right now considering I've worked hard for it all and went through some horrible circumstances before I got to this point in my life. My mom says the person is jealous and Garth says they feel threatened. First of all, jealousy is childish. Whenever I feel jealous about something, I try to get rid of it as fast as I can. Second, the person's got no reason to feel threatened by me at all. None. I don't want anything they've got. So I don't really know what's up with the person. It just makes me feel bad, downplays my accomplishments, and makes me feel vindictive. It makes me want to rub all THREE (yes THREE! I got accepted to another school today) of my acceptance letters and my invitation to Holland in their face and bring my super cute foreign nineteen year old friend that the person insisted was a creeper, even though they haven't met him and doesn't know the customs of his country, to be all like "Oooh. Look-y what I got." This are bad things. I shouldn't want to do that, but it's hard to suppress when I'm being constantly degraded. I really don't want to snap and start yelling at the person, but it's getting increasingly hard to control myself when everything I say in their presence is shot down. I also don't want to spend my entire lunch period not talking like I tried Tuesday. If I don't talk, I can't get my feelings hurt, but I also get depressed and alone. I'll see how things are after break and I hope it's fixed. Although I'm gonna tell my other friends about my new acceptance. If the person doesn't like it, too bad for them. I must be a better person.

OK. Sorry for the long post. Makes up for all my not posting. I feel so much better now.

♥ j.j.

Updates and a horrible poem

2008-12-17T09:41:00.005-05:00

I don't have an excuse this time for not writing in nearly a month, so I won't even try to make one up. I'll just begin with the updates. Oh man. So many updates.

Most importantly, I am in college. I've been accepted to two colleges so far, within 3 hours of each other and while on a small vacation from school, so that was hella exciting. The first acceptance was actually hand delivered by the admissions counselor when I went to visit. He was so excited and gave me this long spiel on the honors program and how honored they are. I almost want to check the little "Yes" box on the decision card just because he put so much effort in and was so happy. The other college I was accepted to is my first choice and I still have to wait on scholarship decisions to know if I can go there or not. The total cost per year is a little under $50,000.

Next, and pretty much almost as important, I have a cello. It is beautiful, came with a case that is the best quality, and it sounds so good. I haven't had time to do much more than play a couple pieces I can remember, but I've dug up my cello sheet music from the pile of cello, piano and guitar music and tabs underneath my mirror and I plan on spending the bit of Christmas break that I'm not doing college apps (absurd, isn't it? I've been accepted to two colleges and I still have to apply to five more schools) playing until my fingers callous and then some. I so can't wait to get back into the whole regular practice, take my cello with me to play concerts thing. Let me tell you, wheeling a cello down the hall of a hotel, while a group of other teenagers looks on (and comments on how it's such a big violin...) is one of the biggest ego boosters. You feel so important.

Hmmm.... All the other updates don't seem very important now that I've told you about my cello. I guess I will mention that I was invited to play basketball on the US's team in olympic style games in Holland next July and train with NBA hall-of-famer Rick Barry. Needless to say my mother said no. She can't drive me to Holland, I can't do it. It makes me a little sad, but not really. I think next summer will end up jam packed anyways because I'll be getting ready for college!! Yup. Alright.

Displaced, or perhaps, replaced
Smiles and butterflies turn to
tears and lead.
But only internally.

Time to move on,
dwell for a day then never again.
Easy to say.
Hard to do.
Here's where that strength comes into play.

I wrote that just now in like two minutes, so it's severely underdeveloped. I got the idea in the car on the way home tonight while half asleep from a scenario that kinda sorta terrifies me, even though it's childish. If you think about it, you can prolly figure out what the poem's about. Don't think to hard though, as I'd rather you didn't figure it out; I'm not entirely proud of my own fears (but then again, who is?) just because they're unwarranted and needless and I'm better than I perceive myself sometimes. Alright. I'll leave you for tonight with that bit of...deepness, if you can call it that at all. I'm going to go sleep because I have to get up early for stuff. Saturdays should be mandatory sleep-in days.

♥ j.j.

Not Much of Anything

2008-11-21T20:40:00.004-05:00

I have a legitimate excuse for not writing in two weeks. I was half dead twice. (So would that mean I'm all dead once??) Last weekend, I was just crazy tired after I played in my powderpuff game (Which the seniors WON btw, without cheating, and I owned at. Oh yeahhhhhh.) so I basically sat around cuz everytime I stood up I got dizzy and my leg muscles spasmed out. Then it was Monday and I had school. Monday night, around 11 something, I stated coughing like crazy and my voice got shot. So I spent most of Tuesday unable to talk normally. Then Tuesday night I was sitting in my yearbook meeting and my head just felt like it was being squeezed like crazy. An hour later, when I got home, I couldn't hardly walk, my skin hurt when I tried to change clothes, I'd randomly almost blackout, and I couldn't talk. Wednesday I woke up to go to school and was promptly sent back to bed because I looked so horrible. I slept until 2, went to the doctor where I started crying because they did a throat swab (I hate throat swabs and getting blood drawn like crazy) and I was just so stressed. I even went to the doctor in sweatpants and I never leave the house like that. I couldn't taste anything either because of some strong zinc lozenges my mom made me suck on, so I didn't eat for 20 hours. By Thursday I was alright enough to go to school but I couldn't talk very well still and couldn't hear well because my sinuses were blocked. Friday the not hearing thing was even worse. I didn't hear a fire alarm that went off during one of my classes, which was weird, and I was talking overly loud to people because I couldn't hear myself talk. Today I feel pretty alright except that I keep coughing, so hopefully it's just an upward trend. Yuup. That's my excuse.

I have to be at a birthday party for two of my friends in an hour. Ususally I'd be all excited and junk, but because I've been sick I haven't even thought about what to get them for their birthdays. I was gonna get them something this morning, but I ended up sleeping until 1:30 accidentally and nobody bothered to wake me up. So I am quite stuck. I can burn a CD of Wrock music, but other than that...I dunno. And here I sit, typing away, not really doing much to remedy the situation. I'm actually kinda expecting someone to come give me an answer to what I should do since I'm telling people, but I must remember that when I type stuff here, it's not automatically online and even when I press "PUBLISH POST" I'm not guaranteed an audience. I guess I'll break here for a bit to go make some CDs. I don't think they listen to Wrock...And I love spreading the Harry Potter love around. Especially since I'm mad that freaking Twilight came out yesterday instead of Harry Potter. Ughh.

Okay. My CDs are done. And I'm 15 minutes late. I'll write another, more substantive post later when I get home. I'm sure just reading my complaints aren't too fun at all.

♥ j.j.

Bravi, bravi, bravissimi

2008-11-08T13:50:00.006-05:00

I've finally got time to write about the craziness that was this past week. Actually, I had time last night, but I was too tired to think so I played tetris instead. :-) That game is awfully addictive. So, as you know I went to NYC last weekend for a journalism conference. The conference was kinda boring, but NY was awesome. There's so much to do there and everything is so busy all the time. I especially loved the cabs. All of the drivers speed around breaking traffic laws and nearly hitting other cars and the occasional bike taxi. Lines painted on the street mean nothing to them - road is road and they'll just straddle the line or weave in and out of traffic. And if they're speeding towards something the curb is a convenient place to turn at the last moment to get around it. My first cab ride was scary, but after that it was just amusing trying to guess how many miles per hour above the posted speed limit we'd be going or how many near-crashes we'd get into.

On Monday night my group went to see Phantom of the Opera. Best musical EVER. It is the most romantic thing I've ever seen, and that's saying something. Words can't even describe how the musical made me feel so I won't try. The only thing I didn't like about the performance was that I couldn't understand a lot of the singing because of the way they sang it, but Andrew Lloyd Webber's music is so dramatic that I could tell what was happening by just that. I acquired the CD from an awesome friend and have been listening to it nonstop. Now I know most of the words and my throat is raw from trying to sing as high as Christine sings sometimes. I had to take a break from the emotionally intense music once this morning and listened to some other stuff (during which time, as I am slightly embarrassed to admit, I ended up dancing around wearing a lab coat and high heels with my pajamas. I don't know why I did that and I'm really glad nobody else was home.) but I went back to the Opera stuff very fast. Nothing can measure up. Not even Yo Yo Ma. Sorry, Mr. Ma. I still love you, but your music's not got a pitifully alone Phantom in it.

The next best thing about the trip is that the Majestic Theatre, where Phantom is, is right next to Broadhurst, the theatre that Daniel Radcliffe performs Equus. If we had stayed one more night, I would have gotten to see him, but at least I was there. I walked the same sidewalk as him, was in the same building. The utmost of exciting. I used to have a major crush on him for maybe three or four years, but that's petered out into more of an adoration. He's the closest thing I have to the real Harry Potter. Daniel Radcliffe is at the top of my list of people I'd love to meet just for that reason. The Potter world is an unattainable dream and he's a bridge spanning maybe half of the distance between where I am and where Hogwarts is. Magic is needed to get the rest of the way though, which makes me very sad that not one of my seven magical wands are functional.

The biggest news in the world at the moment: Obama won the presidency. I'm happy with this result. I didn't agree completely with his stances on things, particularly abortion, but considering who he was running against, he's the best man to have won. I'm not so adverse to McCain, but I didn't like Palin at all or the chance that McCain would end up to be a slightly smarter Bush. I don't want to say too much about this because I'm not a big fan of politics, but hopefully the change Obama promised will come through. God knows we need it. Historically, change is in the making. Racial barriers are breaking, which is very exciting. When he first started campaigning I didn't think he'd make it because I had no faith in America to get past his race. But they did. Now we need a change in the economy and pretty much most of what the government has going on. Corruption needs to be dissolved and people need to remember that they're in office to serve those that elected them, not to benefit their own selves. We'll see what happens. I'll stay optimistic for a while.

I have to go to a youth gathering soon, so I think I better go eat something. I haven't eaten anything cept a bowl of watermelon today. That could probably be the reason for my headache.

♥ j.j.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth but I can't even figure out my own feelings

2008-10-27T20:07:00.006-04:00

I have realized that I am not God. Around 6:40 on Monday morning I sat on the bus needing to do my homework, but alas, the sun was not yet up. In a moment of divine inspiration, I declared "Let there be light!" Left with my hands outstretched towards the sky, I waited a few minutes for a lag on the lighting. And this was when it became clear that Genesis is not my forte. It would probably be best if I brought a flashlight next time instead of trying to invoke the Almighty.

And that was how my week began. It didn't get any less interesting either because a lack of sleep, a lot of stress, and a whole lot of excitement all mixed together just leads to specialness. Maybe I just have a high opinion of myself, but I think I'm the second most amusing person I know.

So big news for this week: I'M GOING TO NEW YORK TOMORROW! It's very exciting. I'm going with a group of other yearbook staffers to go to a conference, but we have a ton of free time. I've never been to New York City or any other big city like it. I've been to Atlanta, but that's different. And the great thing is, my mom is totally chill with everything. In every other aspect of my life she's crazy protective, but I get to go to New York without her and with very little hassling. I just have to make sure I don't end up the victim on CSI. Should be pretty easy, I think. So that's how I'm spending my four day weekend. It's pretty awesome.

I promised to talk about something last weekend, but I ended up having so much homework I didn't get to it. I will attempt to explain myself clearly now. This is more just thoughts I've had than anything else, so hopefully I'll make sense. Sometimes a connection between two people can be so strong that a bit of one of them stays with the other, even if those people were only together for a very short period of time. You can prolly guess that this happened to me. It did a few weeks ago. I spent at max an hour with someone and for a week straight I could smell him at random times. The weird thing is that he's one of my friends to begin with and this one time I hung out with him wasn't special at all. I have no idea what the reasoning behind my whole smelling him thing is. This same thing happens sometimes with my brother. I can smell the oxygen he was on when he was in ICU at the most random times. There's a legitimate reason for that though, so I can't figure out this new one. Quite perplexing. It's been bothering me because I'm wondering if there's some sort of subconscious thing. I'd expect that to manifest in my dreams though if it is since it appears to have made a big impact on me, but it hasn't. I'm gonna try not to think about it too much cuz all it does is confuse me.

Speaking on confusing, I've gotta say (real quick, cuz it's 11 pm and I haven't packed for NYC yet) that something else is confusing me like no other and this one actually is important to me. I forget if I've mentioned it before. You know I've got a major crush on someone. For a while things looked promising, but he's got a tendency to sometimes make me feel like he's only putting up with me just cuz. It's happened for a long time (I wrote a whole post on it at one point), but it matters more now that he's shown a slight interest in me. I'm really prone to emotional changes and just not knowing how he really feels magnifies any little slight I think happened into something that hurts my feelings. When I'm with him, I feel amazingly happy for the most part, but I'd seriously like to know if the chemistry I feel is real or imagined - I mean, I do have a stupendous imagination, I won't lie. I guess if it is my imagination, I can funnel all that feeling into a story and get over it. I'd just prefer that it'd be a happy real-life story instead of one that my fingers tap out.

Ok, my problems are done with. I like writing them here, even if nobody cares cuz it feels like I'm actually talking to a real person. In a very one-sided conversation. :-) Time to go pack. Cept I'm not going to because a movie is on TV I wanted to see. James Marsden is the main actor so I can't pass this up.

♥ j.j.

Oh, btw: I'm eating M&Ms for the first time in over a year. Halloween is AWESOME! I'm not supporting Mars Inc. because someone else bought the candy and my sister went trick or treating for it. I just took the bag from her.

Disjointed and Sad

2008-10-24T19:18:00.004-04:00

I fail, pretty much. It's been 11 days since my last post, even though I meant to write at least three times. Basically, my life has been crazy hectic for a while. For an entire week I didn't get to bed before 1:30 am because of various time-consuming tasks, including college applications, an eight page biotechnology research paper, and my decision to scrap an entire philosophy paper and change my topic at 11:42 one night. Besides the morning where I yelled at everyone who'd listen about how much I hated math and how I couldn't do my math homework and the day where, everything anybody said was absolutely hilarious, the severe lack of sleep didn't affect me too much, which was a plus.

Last Saturday I went to another school's homecoming with some friends. You all know the stuff I went through to get ready for my own, but for this one I got ready in 15 minutes and wore a denim jacket. I think I looked better to this homecoming with such lack of preparation, so I'm definitely not going to get so worked up about looking good for a dance again, even though that was because I wanted to look awesome for my date. But hey, I look awesome normally without the hair and makeup. Lesson I had to learn. On a sad note, a girl from that school died in a car crash the next morning. I didn't know her personally, but I'd seen her around and a lot of my friends knew her quite well. It really is tragic and brings the fact that I, and all my peers, aren't immortal, which is how I feel. I experience a lot of death because of a particular affiliation of my family, but it's not usually someone so close to home and my own age.

My family is watching "Bridge to Terabithia" in the next room. I refused to watch because that book made me cry every time I read it. But alas, I am crying just because I heard bits of the movie. I guess that's another one to add to my list of movies never to watch unless I feel like bawling. "Titanic," "Digging to China," "The Notebook" and the 4th & 5th Harry Potter movies are some of the other ones I can think of right now. Speaking of movies, High School Musical 3: Senior Year came out today. I want to go see it with someone, but not many of my friends are into corny pre-teen Disney movies. Guess I should find someone soon.

I should go find a tissue and write a college essay now. I actually had a good topic for this post, but I can't find the right words to express my emotions regarding it. I'll mull it over tonight and write sometime this weekend.

♥ j.j.

El Baile

2008-10-13T19:58:00.003-04:00

Alright, one more survey thing. This one's pretty cool, actually. For each question, I'm going to press next on my mp3 player and write the song name that comes on as the answer. This has been making the rounds on facebook, and the results can be either stupid or really cool.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY?" YOU SAY?
Toti (Silvio Rodriguez) -- I dunno what it actually means in Spanish, but it's a slang word in English for "totally," so it works.

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Just Like A Pill (P!nk) -- well then. I'm wondering what type of pill

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
We Can Go Anywhere (Jesse McCartney) -- haha...

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Hate Me (Blue October) -- hmm...I guess that's true for maybe a whole 5 minutes earlier.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Days Go By (Keith Urban) -- so I'm just supposed to sit around and not really do anything?

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Celebration (The Party Cats) -- hahahaa...yes!

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
The Process (My American Heart) -- ehh...not so great

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Roses (ASHES) -- ooh. good one. I think I wrote a post on roses once.

WHAT IS 2+2?
18th Floor Balcony (Blue October) -- oh man close. Only off by 14 floors and a balcony.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
All That I'm Living For (Evanescence) -- awww. That's so sweet. Too bad I don't have a best friend.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Running Out of Ways (Earth to Steve) -- ways to do what?

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
A Whole New World (Aladdin) -- yes. yes it is.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Brand New Tears (Nick Forbes) -- Meaning...I want to break a lot of hearts?

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Can't Let You Go (Jesse McCartney) -- wooh! That's awesome!

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Killing Loneliness (HIM) -- I'm just a ton of fun then, aren't I?

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
I Write Sins Not Tragedies (Panic! At the Disco) -- uumm...this song talks about a bride being a whore...Not such a great answer.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Truth, No. 2 (Dixie Chicks) -- Oh man. I wonder what the first truth was.

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Payback (Nick Carter) -- I'm an assassin!

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Hate (I Really Don't Like You) (Plain White Ts) -- :-P

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Midnight Garden (Bond) -- yes?

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
The Kill (30 Seconds to Mars)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Right Where You Want Me (Jesse McCartney) -- I'm staying away from you now...

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Lines (Prom Kings) -- Idk?

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
A Home (Dixie Chicks) -- because having a roof over my head is soo funny.

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Remember the Name (Fort Minor) -- apparently something traumatic happened to me and I cry when I remember proper nouns associated with it.

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Ohne Dich (Rammstein) -- Means "Without You" in German. So that's a yes to the getting married, but you won't be there. Prolly cuz I'm gonna die right where you want me to.

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off (P!ATD) -- yes that is scary. Cuz I don't like lying or taking my clothes off.

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Wer Bin Ich (Lafee) -- Means "who am I?" So I've got amnesia now. Whether anyone likes me is the least of my worries.

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Heroes & Underdogs (Danger is my Middle Name) -- I don't like that the Confederates lost the Civil War. I'm gonna change it.

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
New Hope's Rising (A Cage Called Life) -- I'm a pessimist. Hope destroys my insides.

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
El Baile (Silvio Rodriguez) -- "The Dance"

Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this

2008-10-13T17:31:00.003-04:00

First thing, before I delve into the flippin amazingness that was the Homecoming dance, I found this article: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/odd_name_change. Apparently that girl changed her name to CutOutDissection.com. I was a frequenter of that site as a freshman when I found out that we were going to be dissecting frogs, but daaaanng, girl, she must feel crazy strongly about dissection to change her name to that. I guess it's a good way to get publicity, but it prolly doesn't do more than convince more people that PETA is a group of freaks.

Alright. On to what I really want to talk about. Homecoming! My last homecoming ever was, simply put, amazing. The day started out kinda rocky when I had a complete emotional meltdown because there was too much stuff forced on me at one time. My mom had me get my finger and toe nails done with french tips and I've never had my nails done for any reason other than my 5th grade teacher deciding to have some pink tint put on them when I was 10. The whole nail experience was alright, if kinda nerve racking. Then I had an appointment to get my hair done up so that it wouldn't be all in my face all night, which is a major problem usually, but before I even got out of the house, I burst into tears because I have no idea how to put on makeup so that it looks good and I really felt that this homecoming, more than any other, I needed to look really good for my date. Remember, I went with the guy that I had really been wanting to go with. So that was a small set-back. But then I got my hair done and it looked pretty cool, with 24 bobby pins and a bunch of braids. I just didn't like that there was no hair around my face at all, which I feel makes me look like a dude. I don't like looking like a dude, especially when I'm going to a dance, but I dealt with it. By the time I got to the house where I was meeting my friends, I was completely excited, I could walk in my heels without falling or swaying too much, and my mom had brought the boutonniere that I accidentally left in my fridge, so all was well. We played games for a while, ate dinner, played some more games, and then went to the dance. Fast forward a bit through the whole laughing at a group of freshmen who rented a bus, getting all excited because my yearbook advisor showed up after a few weeks of being sick, and some other things. I was afraid that the admin at my school would mess up the dance because they're all so scared of people dancing inappropriately. There have been some stupid incidents where chaperons have flipped out because of stuff that was perfectly withing appropriateness. Last year's homecoming, I was knocked off balance and my boyfriend caught me and in that short time when he had his arms around me, we got told by a woman that we needed to separate. But this year, there were hardly any problems at all. Chaperons sat around the perimeter of the dance floor and there were signs up that said "Thank you for dancing appropriately." And the music they played was alright, even if they did mutilate a few songs because they didn't want to play explicit lyrics. (oooh! They played 2-step though, so I went and did that with a friend that I had taught it to a few weeks ago. It was awesome.) I had a lot of fun with my date, also. He's a cool guy and, despite all the times he's sworn up and down he can't dance, he was alright at it and wasn't afraid to just do it. He even tried learning the Cupid Shuffle when I was doing it. The only problem with the entire night is that it ended. I really didn't want it to and there are only a few more chances to have fun like that again before I go off to college. It's times like these that I wish I could be a teenager forever.

Now, off to finish cleaning my room (after homecoming week I couldn't walk past the foot of my bed anymore because of all the costumes and various articles of clothing scattered around) and do my homework. It's a long weekend, and I haven't even started that yet. Good thing I don't have very much.

♥ j.j.

Homecoming

2008-10-11T11:00:00.005-04:00

Hey heyy people. It's been yet another week, but this past week has been amaazing! Homecoming at my school is EPIC and being a senior and a member of the most spirited class ever to pass through the halls of any building ever created makes it even better. I dressed up everyday for the spirit days, but my favorite ones were Tuesday, when I was a pirate, Wednesday when I was Hawkgirl and a bunch of my friends were other Justice Leaguers, and Friday when I got to wear a toga, per senior tradition. Actually, funny story with the pirate outfit. My bus broke down on the way home that day, so my mom picked me up and before we got back to my house decided that she'd have me go into the store and get her some Coke. I was completely decked out with a fake sword and eyepatch and everything and I thought it was funny how people were looking at me weird while pretended like I was completely normal (by that time I had figured out how to walk with the eyepatch so I didn't run into things). There was this man, an older Indian man I'm guessing, who was standing at the end of the aisle I was going to and when he saw me, he started discretely backing away. When I was in the aisle, I looked back over towards him and he was peering around the edge of the aisle, watching me. It took everything I had to keep from laughing out loud. He was either scared, or thought I was crazy/high. I participated in the skit competition, which the Seniors won btw, and had to wear a fancy strapless dress and high wedges and act like a ditsy celeb. At one point I get to "slap" a guy and quote the movie Moonstruck ("Snap out of it!") and be all up in his face, but the he come back with "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" and pushes me away. Then I get to be all offended. It was great. (I'm doing some serious tense mixing here. But meh) What was horrible though, like scream out loud, complain to everyone who will listen and a ton of people who won't, is that Seniors got second place to the juniors in the musical extravaganza competition. Each class choreographs six minutes to music that fits their theme. I sat through the competition twice and the other classes' performances were frankly awful: uncoordinated, off key singers, bad dancing...all that junk. But ours was ammazing. One of my friends dressed up as Rafiki from the Lion King and did a freaking awesome job at it, we had dudes with no shirts and body paint jumping off each other's backs, great music, swing dancing. It was simply amazing. And then we lose to the juniors, who stole one of their songs and the dance moves to go with it from last year's chorus spring show. Ughh! So frustrating. At least we won the game. 34-7. Which is surprising because our team sucks. Tonight is the dance, and I just realized that I'm wasting hella amounts of time on here and chasing Baby away from the cat and other stuff. I should go start getting ready. And learn to walk in the shoes I gotta wear tonight. Don't wanna fall. Or break anything, like my ankle.

I promise a good, well written ,interesting, long enough-to-be-considered-a-post post tomorrow or Monday (long weekend. Thank you Columbus (even though he did kill Indians and thought for his entire life that he had gone to India. But we get a day off of school for his stupidity which rock cuz I have an 8 page research proposal to get out this weekend.))
♥j.j.

Surveyy

2008-10-04T17:23:00.003-04:00

I've decided that instead of rambling on about the two guys I hung out with earlier today, (even though it's an exciting thing - I haven't seen either of them since 8th grade) I'm going to do one of those chain survey things.

The Most Random Survey
What's the first thing you do when waking up in the morning? Turn on my radio
Do you prefer a shower or bath? I like both, but a bath would have to be my favorite
How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Ususally one, but if I have time in the morning, two
How often do you find yourself thinking about your ex? hardly ever
What kind of cell phone do you have? LG Chocolate
What would you do with a 10 bill you found on the ground? Idk. Whatever I needed it for at the time I guess
What would you do with your significant other if you knew today was your last day with them? Hard one. Tell them I loved them and just be happy together all day long
Have you said "I love you" today? Nope
What's one thing you actually remember about kindergarten? I fought with the teacher over whether "-" was a dash or a hyphen. I said hypen.
Did you cry at your graduation or smile because you were glad it was over? Well. I know I will cry when I get there prolly.
Are you closer with your mom or dad? Mom.
Do you prefer the tanning bed or the sun? I've never done a tanning bed. They're unhealthy and I can just go outside and get a tan and have more fun doing it.
What're 2 of your favorite movies? Pretty in Pink && Harry Potter (all of them)
What's the last thing you think about before going to sleep at night? Depends on how fast I fall asleep and what drama's going on in the world.
What would you do if your best friend jumped on your ex the day after you two split? That would be weird considering my best friend is my ex. Or at least he was my best friend. But still whoever is my best friend is a guy. So. Yes. Lotsa weird. I think I'd just be like ... and turn away.
How many rumors have you heard about yourself? Oh goodness. Many.
Which one did you find to be the funniest? I dunno. None of them were that great.
Does your life seem to revolve around drama? No. There's a lot of drama, but I actually prefer to have none.
What's a nickname you go by? Gio. Or Potato. & of course Jesse James.
How do you calm down when your extremely angry? Music up loud.
Do you prefer to work hard or hardly work? Work hard, but only if it's something I enjoy.
A movie or a long walk in the park on the first date? Either. I guess it depends on who the guy is.
What are 3 of the first things you notice about the opposite sex? Hair, face, eyes
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Last year of college, hopefully not about to die. (It'll be nearing 12-21-2012)
In 10? If I haven't died, doing a career I really like.
Do long distance relationships actually work out? Not really. You can be friends over long distances, but anything more than that is hard.
Ever thought you met "The One"? Unfortunately yes. But I have repented.
What are 2 of your favorite places to eat? My house, some place with good food that a vegetarian can eat.
3 of your favorite places to shop? Hot Topic, Charlotte Russe, ?
Do you currently have a job? Nope.
Which would you prefer...be rich and miserable, or poor and extremely happy? Considering that I've already been poor and happy, I'd choose that one. And plus, I hate being miserable.
What's one of your favorite TV shows? Desperate Housewives
What did you want to be when you "grew up"? A geologist
Would you ever date someone covered in tats and piercings? yes, but as long as they aren't too covered.
What's your favorite perfume or cologne for the opposite sex? Hugo Bos,s Energize. But I think most of what dudes wear smells good.
Do you believe the first kiss tells you everything you need to know about the relationship? No.
Do you know who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SPONGEBOB SQUARE PANTS
How many showers do you take in one day? Only one. goodness.
Would you want a house at the beach or in the mountains? Oh man. Beach prolly. It's warmer.
Which would you rather have...a huge walk in shower or a jacuzzi bath tub big enough for 2? Jacuzzi. Those things are awesome.
What are 2 of your favorite colors? Red & Purple
Do you look up or at your feet when you walk? sometimes down, sometimes up. depends on where I'm going and how fast I'm walking.
Who do you prefer...Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? Jolie, just cuz people say I look like her.
What's your favorite ice cream? Chocolate chip cookie dough
Do you like Starbucks...or are they just overpriced? I've only had a strawberry frapp from there, but it's good stuff. And they are overpriced
Are you a prep or a jeans-and-t-shirt type of person? jeans and t-shirt
What color are your eyes? green
Do you have glasses or contacts? noppe
Ever had someone you love tell you they never want to see or talk to you again? I don't remember anytime...
How many times has an ex just called you up when you least expected it? Never
What's the most expensive thing you own? I dunno. Maybe my Zune?
What color are your bedroom walls? White. But up until recently you couldn't see them through all of the posters
Do you ever actually make your bed? Never.
How many pillows do you have to sleep with? Two up near my head and then there are like 3 more scattered around that I use sometimes
Do you prefer to sleep alone or with someone? Alone. Other people in my bed keeps me awake.
What is one of your pet peeves? People who walk slowly in front of me.
What could you tolerate...someone who snores or a sleep walker? sleep walker. The snoring would drive me nuts.
Would you rather sky dive or bungee jump? Skydive.
Ever been outside of the US? Once, but it was when i was little
Ever think Texas should just be part of Mexico? Um...I don't really care what Texas does.
Do you have to have some kind of noise to fall asleep? no.
What time is it right now? 6:50 pm
What's your zodiac sign? Cancer
How long does it usually take you to get dressed? 2-20 minutes.
Do you prefer to call or text someone? I don't text. So call I suppose.
Who is your celebrity heart-throb? Daniel Radcliffe, Jesse McCartney, Zac Efron, Jason Dolley, James Marsden
Would you have survived 100 years ago? No. Too low tech. And too hating on females.
What do you think the world will be like in 30 years? Sucky.
Do you have to be the center of attention? Hmm. Yes. A lot of times.
Do you save your money or spend it when you get your hands on it? Save. I hate spending money unless it's important.
Are you a party animal or someone who prefers to stay in? I like to hang out with people and have fun, but not if I'm too tired.
Did you get a new year's kiss? No. I went to bed before 12.
What was one thing you wanted for your birthday you didn't get? A cello
Are you a happy person? exceedingly
If money was no option...what type car would you own? A smartcar. Or one of those sparkley orange sports cars
What are 3 set radio stations in your vehicle right now? I don't have a vehicle. But on my radio they're Hot 99.5, Mix 107.3, and whatever that classical one is.
Do they "wear-out" good songs by over playing them? ohmg yes. All the time.
Have you ever flat ironed your hair? Yeahh. My mess of frizz gets annoying.
Ever been told you're a flirt? Yes. But at the time I wasn't flirting.
What have you done that you are proud of? I've written some ammmmazing things.
Do you go to church every Sunday? I'm not Christian.
Do you have a hidden talent? If it's hidden, then I dunno it.
Are you an adrenaline junkie or someone who plays-it-safe? I'd like to be all adrenaline junkie, but I'm more of one of those people that are reallly safe.
What do you normally eat for breakfast? Some sort of fruit I can take with me.
Ever been called a tease? Yes. In a particularly colorful way.
What is one of your childhood memories? Being alive?
Do you like to cuddle? Yes :-)
Do you have an actual comforter on your bed? I have a quilt. And a fuzzy throw. No comfortor though unless it gets reallllly cold.
Do you like the heat or cold weather? Heat. I do not do well with cold.
What was your favorite cartoon as a kid? Jimmy Neutron
Do you prefer dogs or cats? I like them both.
When no one is home...do you actually walk around naked? No. Never. ((Unlike soooooome people I know, squish.))
Have you ever seen a ghost? not in live person. I like to watch ghost hunters though and they pick up stuff sometimes.
What's the best movie you've seen recently? The only movie I've watched recently is Alvin and the Chipmunks. It was alright.
Do you prefer scary movies or comedies? Comedies
Ever had a huge crush on someone and never told them? yes. Several times.
Did you high school have the clicks like Mean Girls? No.
Are you a bashful or outgoing person? bothhh.
If you could change one thing about your body...would you? ehhh....maybe. I'm pretty alright with myself.
If someone held a gun to your head and asked you..."Do you believe in God?" what would you say? First: Yes. Next: Why are you using a gun?? I woulda told you the same thing no matter what.
Would you drive 1000 miles for the one you love? Yes.
What was one thing you was given as a child and still have? My harry potter blanket.
Do you have a favorite shirt or pair of jeans you wear over and over? My favorite jeans died over the summer, but I wear the same 6 shirts over and over again.
Does love really make you act crazy? It affects my rational thinking, I guess.
How many texts do you send on average a month? Zero
Have you ever talked to a psychic? Yes
How many kids do you want? Come what may. I don't really care
What's your favorite name for a girl and boy? Boy: Emerson Girl: Hawthorne
Have you ever actually snuck out of your house? Never
How many things have you done that your parents don't know about? Not that many, I'm proud to say.
Ever been taken to jail? No.
Have you ever had a pen pal? Several. I should email my German one back. It's been 2 years.
What are you about to do now that this survey is over? Eat dinner and read some comics. I just got grounded from the computer for the night for having a bad mood.

Goodness that was long.

♥j.j.

Ehhh...not much to say

2008-10-03T19:16:00.002-04:00

It's been a while. A week, in fact. This past bit of school has been so hella crazy that I barely had time to eat. That prolly isn't such a great thing...And I ran into a chair today as a result of being tired, stressed, confused, and having too much to do in a short period of time. My knee is heavily bruised and painful. But next week is homecoming week, so that's something to look forward to. I've gotta make my costume for Wednesday sometime this weekend. I'm Hawkgirl from the Justice League and I need a mace and a feathery mask. Losta fun.

Hmm. The most interesting thing to happen since I last wrote is that my dog came yesterday. He's amazing. I spent most of the night yesterday playing with him and not studying for my philosophy test (but I did alright on that anyway). He's really nice and obedient. The only problem we had was when he tried to play with the cat and they got into a little scuffle. The cat won. The dog's nose was scratched. He stays away from her now. Right now, he's laying on the floor next to the couch I'm on, looking utterly huggable.

Other than that, I can't think of much to say tonight. That might be because I'm watching a movie and falling asleep at the same time. I dunno why I choose to blog when I'm too tired. I promise to write again this weekend and make it engaging and great and not sucky like this one.

♥ j.j.

I can smell the roses. (And see them too)

2008-09-26T22:23:00.003-04:00

My favorite song at this very moment is "Fall for You" by Secondhand Serenade. I've got it on repeat while I'm laying on my bedroom floor, wondering if I should sleep, write a story, or do some homework. (It is 10:25 pm...) I tried watching the presidential debates, but only got through 20 minutes before my live stream screwed up (I was too lazy to go find a TV) and I got sick of stupidness. Obama did an alright job, I guess, though he wasn't anything stunning, and McCain...oh goodness. That man needs to take a lesson from my old AP US History teacher AT...FQ (Answer the...frikin question!!!!). He skirted around questions and he went off on some random topics vaguely related to what he was supposed to talk about (Kinda like his answer to the question about how many houses he has "Could I just mention to you, Jay, that in a moment of seriousness I spent five and a half years in a prison cell. I didn't have a house, I didn't have a kitchen table, I didn't have a table, I didn't have a chair." Poor you. Now, how many houses was that again?). I'm not a big fan of any of the presidential candidates this year, so I'm glad I can't vote because I wouldn't know where to go. Everyone seems so fake. I guess out of the two, Obama is better, but only slightly. He seems like an easier person to get along with, but that doesn't solve national crises. And don't get me started on Palin. She made some comments in an interview yesterday the left everyone thinking "wth is she talking about???" Just because she can see Russia from Alaska and because Putin flies over Alaska when he comes to the US doesn't make her good at foreign policy. Government depresses me. I need to hurry up and get elected president so I can fix stuff.

I'm feeling particularly in tune with my artist nature tonight. I spent over an hour taking pictures of the roses I got for homecoming and getting inspired to write a story revolving around roses. They're absolutely beautiful - seriously some of the prettiest roses I've ever seen. I think I'm going to cry when they eventually wilt. It's mind-blowing thinking about how something so perfect and beautiful can exist outside of my imagination. And they're in my room too, not in a far off place I see in pictures. Anything can be made beautiful in a picture, but looking at something dead on and being overwhelmed with awe is special. The natural world is an amazing place. If only people would take the time to, if I might, stop and smell the roses, take in some of the miracles. They won't last forever.

♥ j.j.

My life is amazing. ARghh!!

2008-09-25T21:59:00.003-04:00

Tonight's post will be short. I meant to write it when I got home at 5, but then my mom made me make dinner. Then I was gonna do it after that, but my external hard drive, which was erased the other day, was recovered, so I had to go through and re-organize my music library. Then I realized, after falling asleep three or four times in the computer chair, that I had to sleep before I could make any comprehensible writings of any sort. So at 7 I go to take a nap, leaving my mother confused as to why, since I have no homework, I don't just wait and go to bed instead of sleeping for an hour, getting back up, and doing nothing until I go back to bed. It seemed like a good idea when I came up with it, but when my mom woke me up at 9:30 to ask if I wanted to get up, I realized that it wasn't that great. But I got up. And after teaching myself how to walk it out (DJ Unk dance) and going flipping mad because of some stupid drama that involves one of my close friends I'm here, with seven minutes before I have to be back in bed. Oh. Now one minute. Awesome.

EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS SO GREAT IN MY LIFE AND IT HATE IT!! It's more of an extension of one of my first posts where I was complaining about not having a theme song for my level of contentedness. My homecoming date worked out and that is crazy exhilarating. I especially love people's reactions when they find out that I'm going with him. The main thing tonight is that it's really frustrating that everything always works out. I'm not like RAWRThere've been full out screams of surprise, a ton of awwwwwwwwwwss, and even one guy who hadn't yet realized I broke up with my ex last year. I guess the only not-so-amazing thing about all this is that I don't know if he asked me because he wanted to or because he felt pressured. I had a whole army of people wanting to help get us together, including people I met in passing and don't know their names and office ladies, so I'm hoping that he didn't do it just for the sake of giving me what I wanted. I'd ask him, but that'd put him on the spot and might be awkward. So I guess I'll have to deal with it. And I know he'll have fun with me (I'm not being cocky here. He will.)( Alright. I am being cocky...) so it's better than if he went by himself. The other good thing is that I passed my driving exam. I can get my license in a couple months, so that's exciting too. And it means that the only problems in my life right now are my grades in two of my classes (math and government) and that bit of drama I mentioned earlier, which isn't really my problem at all, but I take it personally when someone messes with my friends. My math grade is a B because I bombed a test. I got a C on that, when I would have gotten almost perfect if I hadn't made a ton of really stupid mistakes like adding wrong or destroying the laws of the universe with my multiplication of limits. It's frustrating, but it's math and I've always sucked at that even when I know it. Government is another story. It's easy stuff, but we have maybe four grades - all reading quizzes, one test, and a current events quiz- and I did horribly on the quizzes but alright on the test and the test isn't big enough to outweigh the quizzes. I don't like current events quizzes. I don't keep up with politics unless it concerns me because the whole stupidity of it all just gets me worked up. And not to mention it's boring. So I keep up with the news, but it's science news or other random things, and my gov teacher isn't gonna give a quiz on the latest astrological anomaly or that giant pig that held a woman hostage for 10 days (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/us_pig). I suppose it'd be best to start reading the political stuff for the sake of my entrance to college.

I'm 43 minutes late to bed (The internet is distracting), so off I go to curl up on my bed, which is literally the most comfortable place on the face of the earth. No. The entirety of existence.

((My post turned out normal sized after all. Hopefully it makes sense.))

♥ j.j.

Vehicular Generated Vignette

2008-09-22T20:41:00.007-04:00

I wrote something earlier today which isn't in my usual style, but I like it enough to share:

She sat sideways on the gray bus seat, knees drawn up, back straight against the smudged window, letting the full force of the wind blowing in from a few seats ahead hit her face. It caught her brown hair and bounced it around her face, tickling her bare shoulders. Her head faced the front of the bus, seemingly focused on the road ahead, but in fact she saw nothing save for the preoccupations of her own mind.Thoughts of such levity, as swarmed through her consciousness, rarely frequent a child of such tender years. This girl, however, was no stranger to the age-old questions swimming before her eyes- of life, of death, of love. Each one had its turn. Each one drew up feelings and memories, though painful, oft recalled. The secrets of the universe began unfolding, just within her grasp, but a jolt shattered the fragile curtain of meditation. She regained her balance as the bus maneuvered around the stalled car ahead, becoming slowly aware of the bass thumping through her headphones. Under her leg she could feel the math homework that had been abandoned and decided that it was time to stop procrastinating. Turning up the volume of her headphones to drown out the rowdy boys behind her, she picked up her pencil.

This piece came about, yes, on the bus, while I was debating whether to study for my math test tomorrow. The good thing is that I know the math chapter already. That's the great thing about taking Calc AB before BC, I know a lot of the basics already. I didn't edit this vignette at all, so I guess it could use some fixing, especially since it's supposed to be a calm piece and it feels a bit rushed to me. I haven't had the time or motivation to just sit and write in a long time and I really miss it. There isn't any time coming up either, what with homecoming, my club Building a Better Community undertaking a new initiative, yearbook, and regular school - not to mention the mounds of college stuff I have yet to do. After sleeping (always) the thing I want to do most is to settle into my room with music turned all the way up and the laptop for hours so I can add to the 15 or so works in progress gathering dust (metaphorically) on my flashdrive.

Well, common sense tells me I should go study or something; occupy myself in a way other than typing to unknown readers. I'll save the news about my new cat and my soon to be new puppy till next time, but I'll tell you that nothing's happened with my favorite subject as of late (mr. crush). Waiting is so hard. But I'm too much of a wimp to make the first move.

♥ j.j.

Meoowww

2008-09-20T18:07:00.002-04:00

The past couple weekends my family has gone to adoption events at various pet stores and organizations, since we are trying to find a nice dachshund to rescue. This morning, though I felt that it would be prudent to stay home and write some college essays, I went too, expecting to go to a local Petsmart, see some cute puppies and come back home. We went to the Petsmart, saw some cute puppies (one bit me), but decided after that to go to another one to see the dogs they had there. There were no dogs, but there were cages full of cats. We ended up taking home this cute, young black long-haired. (I wanted a short-haired grey cat, but I put him down to hold one for my mom and some other family decided they would adopt him first!!) Now I am stuck in my mom's bathroom, watching the cat. We're leaving the cat in here while she gets used to being somewhere new and used to her litter box and I was so lucky as to get the job of sitting in here with her while she does that. It's been over an hour already and I don't think I'm coming out any time soon - my mom said she'd bring my dinner up to me. It's becoming pretty difficult to amuse myself. I can't play with the cat because she's a little flinchy, and I was happy I got the laptop, but then I realized that it's useless unless I also have my backpack and I don't have that or a way of acquiring it. The cat has been meowing constantly (it's so cute!) for a while and I started meowing too to the tune of a Beach Boys song (the same as the title of yesterday's post) but that only increased the cat's meowing to a loud screaming type thing. Prolly not a good idea to freak the cat out. I've done that enough by jumping around every time she jumps on the counter and yelling "Peeshee! Get off the counter!" or moving plants around so she can't eat them. I moved some long ivy-like vines out of her reach and she hissed at me.

I'm out of the bathroom now. My sister volunteered to take my place, being very unaware of the severe impending boredom. Haha at her. Now I have my backpack and it's time for me to begin working on other junk. Like figuring out which character of the Justice League I want to be for a homecoming spirit day.

I get around (get around round round I get around...) Eh. Maybe not always.

2008-09-19T18:26:00.007-04:00

So I've decided to update about my driving for any interested people. My second day of behind the wheel was...oh dear...less than perfect. I spent most of my time in the driver's seat feeling horribly nervous, but nothing really bad happened until the final stretch of road. About half a mile away from my school there are a couple of sharp turns in the road where the safe speed is 20 mph. I'm very hesitant when I go around curves at any speed, so when I saw these, I tried to slow down to at least a speed I could handle, but my teacher advised me not to go down too far because it would inhibit traffic and I might get nailed from behind. So I followed his advice, seeing as he's been teaching for 23 years and driving for I'm sure much longer, and kept a speed of about 35 or 40 around the sharpest curve. In a moment of new driver ignorance, I didn't turn the steering wheel anywhere near far enough and instead of rounding the turn, I went straight out of my lane and into the lane next to me, headfirst towards this big maroon van. Luckily my teacher grabbed the wheel and forced it back around. It was the third time in is entire teaching career that a student has almost crashed. I got pretty shook up about that to where my eyes were watering. But, if that wasn't bad enough, when I was driving home from the bus stop about an hour later, I didn't turn enough again! And ended up on the curb of another high school's entrance-way. I was just having a day. The next day I drove alright, though there was one time where I thought an over-sized truck was going to hit me and I didn't pay attention to where I was turning into. I also told my teacher he made me nervous so the day after that he toned down his anxiety-causing behavior in time for me to try my luck on the beltway (the highway), which, as it turns out, was easier than driving around on little roads. No stop signs for me to almost miss, no cars parked on the sides of the roads for me to try to avoid, and very few sharp curves (I tried that one curve again though, and made it right). Monday is my driving test, so this weekend I'm gonna practice quite a bit and hope that I can prove myself license worthy.

Before I head up to raid closets in search of homecoming week costumes (I love dressing up), one more update: I have not made any progress with the subject of my angsty post "Dazed and Confused". I've got a couple weeks, but it's so hard to wait, and honestly, the idea of asking him to homecoming scares the heck out of me. I'm sure I could do it quite composedly, but I'd rather not have to take that plunge. There's too much uncertainty and I don't even know how he feels about me at all. (He has been friendlier this past week though, less instances where I've felt ignored) I'd much rather he ask me. Now I know why it's so hard for guys to ask girls out. I sympathize, boys. Never again will I offer up the great advice "just do it already! It's not that hard!"

♥ j.j.

I'm driving myself crazyy...haha

2008-09-15T20:47:00.004-04:00

I started Behind the Wheel class today. This involves myself taking turns driving with two other teens while the teacher sits in the passenger seat telling us what we've done wrong. So far, we've done an obstacle course (I only knocked over three cones!) and the teacher made me drive on real roads first. He freaked me out by critiquing my very apprehensive driving and talking about how not slowing down before I stop at a stop sign would give him whiplash and make me fail the class and how I was holding up traffic. It's hard driving under pressure. And I'm not quite sure if he was picking on me because I'm the only girl or because I have the least amount of driving experience. I prefer the second one. I don't feel much like writing tonight. Or eating, or college apps, or doing anything other than listening to my new Hawthorne Heights CD, maybe typing a few sparse instant messages, and sleeping. I will try to make this a semi- full length post with useless filler information just for the heck of it.

First topic: Hawthorne Heights. I got their new CD "Fragile Future" on Wednesday and it's amazing. Their style has changed a little bit - they're not as dark in some songs whereas before they were pretty much all dark and emo. Some of the songs are sad (at least for me) because they're about Casey Calvert, one of their guitarists, who OD'ed on sleep aids last November. Casey was my favorite band member because he was a PETA activist, vegetarian, and pretty outspoken about issues I care about. It seems so tragic. He didn't do drugs or anything, he just needed some help getting to sleep through a headache because they were on tour. And then he had a young wife too. It was just awful. But my favorite band recovered and put out their best album yet which has replaced "Disturbia" as my on-repeat.

Next thing: I don't remember. Something shocking just happened. Oh goodness this isn't very fun. I found out something horrible and I lost my train of thought. Maybe this is a sign that I should go to bed soon. Blogging (or anything really) while feeling spaced out and tired isn't the best thing in the world.

♥ j.j.

Dazed and Confused

2008-09-12T19:48:00.003-04:00

I've never seen that movie (apparently I look like the girl from it, or so I've heard) but it quite describes how I feel at the moment. I am confused. This confusion has been around for the greater part of the last three or four months, but my decision to write about it results from several recent inquiries into my love life (by this I mean I've been asked three times in the last 22 hours). As I think I've mentioned before, I have a crush, and, if I do say so myself, I'm very content with having that crush even when I don't expect it to grow into anything more. (I read something earlier today that said "I'm 99.9% sure that he doesn't like me, but it's the .1% that keeps me going." Pretty relevant.) Yes, I would like it to become something else, but I've learned that wishing on 11:11 and first stars doesn't get me very far. Besides, having a crush feels kinda nice; there's always someone I can dream idly about and I don't have to think when someone asks me who I like. Lately I've been hoping,wishing too, every time I happen to see 11:11 (old habits die hard), that said crush would make some sort of move in the form of asking me to the Homecoming dance. I need a date so that I'm not the only one in my group without one, and it would be nice to go with someone I genuinely have an interest in instead of going with a friend, although I wouldn't mind the latter either. Having fun is really all that matters and I can't wait to wear the dress that's been hanging on my door for the past month. The confusion stems from the behavior of my crush. Sometimes he is the most caring, friendliest, most fun person to be around. That is when I'm really glad I know him. Then on the other side of it, a lot of the time I feel slightly blown off by him and I can't tell whether he likes being my friend (or maybe even likes me in a special way) or if he's just pretending because he's too nice to tell me to bug off, which is a distinct possibility. My best friend decided he'd rather not be such anymore over the summer, but didn't decide to tell me (he made me have to figure it out from the lack of communication even though we sit at the same lunch table and hang out with the same people and the condescending looks he gives me if I try to talk to him), so this could be just a month where all the guys that are close to me leave. I did wear more girly clothing than I usually do to school last week, so if that's a big turn off for some people...I dunno. Another reason I'm confused about Mr. Crush is that he always seems to be happier when he talks to other girls than he does when he's talking to me. I wasn't aware of my having a dementor-like effect. I kinda hurts a little bit when I search him out so I can say hi and I see him with another girl (and usually one of the few gorgeous girls at my school) and he's smiling from ear to ear looking like he just got a new puppy (which I am getting btw, but that's a story for another post) and every time I talk to him, he acts like he's in a hurry to run off and be alone. Now this would be a great hint to leave him alone, you say, he only puts up with you because he's nice! But like I said before, there are a lot of times when he makes me feel like he cares about what I'm thinking more than anything else on the face of the planet. Hence CONFUSION! And I'm looking at this from a purely platonic point of view. When I add in the whole I have feelings for him bit, it's just overwhelming because all of those times I feel slighted and ignored my heart feels mortally wounded. (Don't you just love teenage drama?) Those feelings are good inspiration, if I'd take time to sit and write about them or even compose some music. Or interpretive dance. (that's part of the reason I'm so tired. I went to bed late on Wednesday because I decided to spend an hour interpretive dancing to Grieg's "March of the Trolls" in front of my mirror at 12:30 am. I was even considering filming it for Youtube because it was so amusing.) The only problem is the part where I actually have to feel those feelings. Life was so much simpler when the only guy I liked was taped up over my bed (and three of him over my desk, and five over my dresser, and more on the back of my door...). Jesse McCartney would never look ecstatic to be talking to another girl. (Like he says "She's no youu, Oh no. You give me more than I could ever want. She's no youu, oh no. I'm satisfied with the one I got...")

I've written enough about my love life, or lack thereof, for anybody wishing to ask me about it. If you do want to ask me for more information, wait a few days. Such a high volume of interest is disconcerting, even if I have no qualms about telling people.

♥ j.j.

Green

2008-09-05T18:25:00.004-04:00

My first week of school was flippin awesome, I must say. I won't go into tooo much detail, but I think I'm going to love this year more than any other. The whole senior mentality of "whatever" has already kicked in (which is odd considering I'm usually so uptight about school), but I like all of my classes (except Geosystems. Whoever came up with that class had some serious problems) enough to do the work and be happy. Plus, I do want to go to college next year.

Last night (or this morning actually) I had a weird dream. I don't want to go into specifics because I can't find words to explain it, but I decided to try to analyze one aspect of it. For the entire dream, the predominant color was green. There were green fish, green algae, green inch worms, green pool tables (are there any other color? I've only seen green ones) and I'm pretty sure a green cow, but that could have been a rocket and some chipmunks. Colors in dreams have certain meanings. I used to study dream analyzation, but I forgot pretty much all of it except for the Freudian interpretations (but that's all just sex and your mother. Not much to remember there) and I can't find my book, but that's what the internet is for!

Green
Green signifies a positive change, good health, growth, healing, hope, vigor, vitality, peace, and serenity. Green is also symbolic of your strive to gain recognition and establish your independence. Money, wealth and jealousy are often associated with this color. Dark green indicates materialism, cheating, deceit, and/or difficulties with sharing. You need to balance between your masculine and feminine attributes. (http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamthemes/colors.htm)

I prefer the first two meanings to the rest, although I do admit that there's a level of jealousy that I have to squash sometimes, but that's never been too bad- more like a fleeting angry thought. I'm pretty sure that overwhelming subconscious jealousy isn't to blame because I have no reasons to be really jealous. I only get that quick moment of green-eyedness for things I know are stupid. There wasn't as much dark green as regular old green, so that rules out the difficulties with sharing and deceit and all that and I think my masculine and feminine attributes are balanced enough. The funny things about dreams are that you can try to figure out what they mean, but that's a very inexact guessing game. Unless there's a particular thing that's been preoccupying you and you can pinpoint that as the reason, your dreams can be caused by anything: a passing thought, something you learned (I dreamed about electrophoresis once), something somebody told you, something you saw... I can actually trace some of the components of my dream this morning to some things that happened yesterday, but the main plot is weird and mysterious and so confusing I don't think I could even make a story out of it.

Yes, so that's my rambling for this rainy Saturday morning. Hurricane Hannah is doing some damage and now I can't go practice driving because I'm afraid of driving in the rain (I dunno why. It's not like the car is going to melt). I would like to go outside and play in it though. Maybe dance a bit, sing...All that good rainy day stuff.

♥ j.j.

Procrastination cut short by that annoying little man in my head called "conscience" (or is he a woman...?)

2008-09-01T22:03:00.004-04:00

Soo. I've got two half done posts that I started last night and I decided I didn't like. Hopefully I'll like this one enough to publish it. I've spent the day pretending to do homework. Actually, I did a lot of homework and didn't pretend that much, but I'll admit that I did waste the last few hours trying to round up all the music that I feel I can't possibly be without on the first bus ride of my senior year. Mainly "2 Step" by DJ Unk and some classical pieces. I love 2 stepping. I finally learned how from a youtube video and it's hella fun, even if it makes my sister look at me like I've developed a second nose. It prolly looks real dumb, but if they play it at homecoming, I'm so gonna just do it.

School starts tomorrow! This is really exciting for me. I only have about half a page to write for English, but it's easy stuff that's only taking long because I keep stopping to dance or sing, or write a story. Yes, write a story. I started writing something on my paper which was the best first line for a story ever, so I had to stop and write that line in a new word document and save it. I probably won't look at it for a few months, but at least I won't forget it. It might make my first bestseller. Hey, you never know. I'm guessing it's probably not a great idea to stay up late the night before school starts. I feel like blogging so much, but my common sense is getting the better of me for once. So off I go to write an essay to a teacher I haven't ever met. I hope she'll excuse the extreme amounts of sarcasm, slang, and parentheses. It's only 5 pages.

The next time I write, I'll be a bona fide SENIOR!

♥ j.j.

I'm back.

2008-08-31T12:14:00.004-04:00

I got home late last night (around 10:30) from my family vacation. It was pretty cool, even if I only got to sit out on the beach two days instead of all six. We were in this area that's all sand and only accessible by driving down the beach for an hour and you can only do that with a powerful 4x4 vehicle (we saw a ton of people stuck in the sand). The beach house we rented was great (I especially loved the PS2 and stock of games.) and the beach was crazy beautiful and we had it almost all to ourselves. And then there were the horses. A couple herds of wild Spanish Mustangs live there and just roam around doing whatever it is that horses do. There's also this lady who drives around in a Hummer yelling at people for looking at them and trying to solicit money for the protection of the horses (We called her the horse Nazi. Goodness. Those horses lived 400 years there before she was born and they did perfectly fine without her). I've got a ton of pix of them, so I'll get some up here as soon as I can. (Right now I can't upload anything because I'm trying to get a video onto facebook and the little timer thing says 2.5 hours. That's pretty dang slow, but better than the 542 hours it was telling me an hour ago.) I actually got trapped by the horses at one point. Four of them decided to eat stuff growing in the yard of the house and I had left my camera in the truck, so I ran out to get it and then the horses decided to get all close to me, so I had to get up on the bumper and wait for them to leave. They've been known to "bite. kick, and stomp tourists" and there was a colt, so if the mother felt like I was too close...I could get some serious hoof prints embedded on my body. Besides that, the other interesting things are that I climbed a lighthouse (there was some crazy wind up there), flew my first kite, let go of the kite, and had to climb up a dune to get it back (which is illegal), met this amazing Romanian guy that's working there over the summer and my mom invited him and his friends to stay at my house (he's got the beeest accent ever), and boogey boarded for the first time (next year I get to learn to surf! And my mom's gonna make me hang glide so that I don't go skydiving on my 18th birthday. I don't get that logic.). Other than that, there really isn't much worth telling.

School starts Tuesday and I'm excited like omg crazy muchh! I'm gonna be a senior this year and have a lot of cool (easy) classes. Now that whole thing I get going sometimes when I walk down the hallways of my school that says "I own this place" won't be unfounded. I can be as cocky as I want (within reason) all cuz I'm a senior, I completely owned my APs, I'm getting stalked by some of the best colleges in the nation (I'm serious about that. They call me and email me and snail mail me and then they go and email my mother!), and I've got the best first day of school outfit ever. It's a little out of character for me, but after my mom forced me to try it on (I'm not so into the whole dress thing unless its for a dance), I fell in love and bought it and decided the only thing that's occasion to wear it is the first day of school. Now I just gotta work on standing up and walking in those high wedge shoes that go with it. That will be a laugh. I'll film it. But I don't think I'll post it anywhere. There's 45 minutes left to upload my other video and that was after I went and converted it and compressed it to less than half the original size. It cut an hour off of the time, but it's still been ages.

One last thing I'm going to say before I go occupy myself somewhere else is about Roanoke Island, the site of the mysterious lost colony. I hate going to national parks and looking at old houses and all that stuff. It always puts me in a bad mood. But I really wanted to see Roanoke Island since I had watched a documentary on it a few years ago. So we went there while on vacation. And after running into a friend from my school (crazy coincidence muchh.) I settled back with my camera to enjoy a tour full of mystery and wonder. Oh boy was I disappointed. The poor tour guide tried her hardest to make it interesting, but after she explained the meaning of the mysterious "CROATOA" that was carved on a post, she lost me and I decided that it wasn't worth my time; that was much better spent taking pictures of a sign from every angle I could contort my body into. The documentary had said the warning might have been related to Satan, so my imagination was busy dreaming up evil that could wipe out an entire colony. But in actuality, Croatoa was the name of an island where friendly American Indians lived and Manteo's home (he was a dude that helped the colonists). So no mystery or devil there. And then when Gov. White returned to the colony after being gone for three years and he saw that mark, he couldn't go to the island to see if his people were there because of bad weather and sucky ships. Alas, the romantic lost colony turned out to be a boring story of people starving, so they decided to go live with people that had food. Seriously though, couldn't they have carved a better message? Maybe "We're going to live on Croatoa because we haven't got any more food" or even "Going to Croatoa." It would have saved me some enthusiasm because then there wouldn't be this whole hype that made me happy to go to a historic site. I guess the story is kinda interesting (I don't wanna turn anyone off of it), but it didn't live up to my expectations.

Now I must go beat the computer. There have been 43 minutes left on my upload for the past 45 minutes. I'll prolly write again tonight while I procrastinate on my homework and college apps (I found out last night that my first deadline is Oct. 1st!!)

♥ j.j.

Goodbyee (again) for a bit

2008-08-22T13:13:00.006-04:00

I started writing a post this morning that centered around one of my favorite French words, but then I had to go out for a bit and when I came home, someone had erased the post. So now it's almost midnight and I don't have time to write a full blown post. There's no time tomorrow either since I leave to go to the beach for a week. I guess this short, poor excuse for a post will have to suffice until I get home and can write books on how great just sitting on the beach for a week straight was (that's what I'm planning. I don't want to do anything else). So byyye till then. Please try not to suffer too much from the withdrawals. I know it'll be hard, but I'll be gone for less time than I was last time, so keep that in mind.

♥♥ j.j. (y'all get 2 hearts this time)

RIP Woolly

2008-08-19T17:43:00.003-04:00

I am in the midst of an emotional crisis. Not ten minutes ago, my mother called me away from my biotechnology research to pull a woolly caterpillar off of her front herb garden, it was eating a leaf on some plant. Then she told me to flush it. Of course I argued ("Can't I just take it down the street to someone else's yard???"). I mean, for goodness sakes, it's a baby...butterfly? moth? something with wings. But I lost that argument, and very solemnly walked to the bathroom with both my sisters following me. There was a slight pause when Woolly fell off the leaf I I had him on and I had to try to pry him off the carpet, but we ended up in front of the toilet. I closed my eyes and dropped him in the toilet and flushed before I had a chance to pull him out again. Then my baby sister looked at me like I had just killed her puppy. She started crying, I started crying, and then I ended up moping at the kitchen table, trying not to get tears on the biotech article I had to request from a Russian scientist. I don't like killing anything, even ants (I cried sometime last year because I had to wash ants down the drain), and especially not fuzzy little caterpillars that don't hurt anything but my mother's plants. That little guy had potential to become something beautiful and beneficial. If only he'd had a chance to grow up. I'll prolly have nightmares tonight.

So pushing Woolly out of my head, I should explain why I haven't written in three days (just in case some of you people were about to call the police because you just knew that some horror had befallen me since I showed no signs of life). I have excuses! The first, I wouldn't let myself write on here until I finished my English summer paper. And I never finished. I got off to a great start with some amazing writing. Then I went two pages over the limit and realized I hadn't written about what I was supposed to write about yet. The next day...I don't have an excuse for that. I just forgot maybe. Or actually, I was watching Law & Order CI until like 1 am. But yesterday, I finally joined one of the most prestigious of networking sites and stayed up late reconnecting with a dude I haven't talked to since the fourth day of 6th grade and just doing some general browsing. It's amazing how many friends I haven't talked to in ages. Actually. That's most of my friends. I keep in touch with like two on a regular basis. Hmm. I wasn't aware of my failures in that department until now. Maybe I should fix that.

The most interesting thing to happen lately is the article I mentioned earlier. For the past few days I've been researching the topic of my senior project desperately to find three sources, as the summer biotechnology assignment requires. The problem is, nobody's done research on my topic before, so there's nothing in existence that I could use for my assignment. Then I found one article that looked hopeful. Oh I was excited! And then I saw...that I could only read the abstract. I tried every science database I could find through my library and school and then I tried back ways into other databases to no avail. I'd all but given up when my mom suggested emailing the author. But they don't list email addresses in the abstract. So I had to go search for the author's place of employment, which turned out to be a small firm in St. Petersburg, Russia with the simplest website ever and one listed email address for all seven of the scientists. So I wrote to that email, got upset when I realized it was the middle of the night there, and gave up on my homework. But then, imagine my joy when, the very next morning I found a reply, with an attachment! A nice (and I imagine as good-looking and young) scientist with a cool name sent me the article with his best wishes. It turned out to be immensely helpful. Now all I have to do is find two more. If anybody has info on extraction of the acids from Boswellia serrata, then I would be eternally grateful. Might even give you a hug.

♥ j.j.

But where's my fairytale?

2008-08-15T20:27:00.005-04:00

Yesterday afternoon I watched the movie Thumbelina with my sisters. For those of you not familiar with this classic Hans Christian Anderson tale, it's about a girl, no bigger than a thumb who falls in love with the fairy prince and then gets kidnapped by a toad and goes on an adventure trying to get home that almost ends with her marrying a mole. In the end, with the help of a bird, she is reunited with the prince, kisses him, sprouts wings, marries him, and lives happily ever after. It's a nice little story, even if the fairy prince's hair looks awful. While I was watching, I got that old longing to be a character in a book. If a book was written about my life, it'd be mostly boring with a dash of teen angst and a few spots of tragedy thrown in. Definitely not a best seller. In fact, I doubt it'd sell anything at all except for the copy my dad would buy so he could pretend to be proud. I want the kind of story where there are twists that make people scream OMG in surprise, where there's mortal danger around every corner, extreme emotional turmoil that always works itself out, and maybe some magical creatures. I could even live without the magical creatures and...I guess if I have to, the mortal danger. I'd settle for a sappy chick flick like Pretty in Pink (my favorite movie) or Raise Your Voice too. Those all have happy endings and the girls always get an immensely good looking, talented in some faction, non-conforming guys. I think the closest I've gotten to story book love is falling for my best friend. The best kind of love for a story is something unexpected, something that breaks barriers, or something that has a crazy high "aawww!" factor. An example of the last part is when a guy is a completely loyal friend to the girl throughout whatever problems she has and never tells her that he's desperately in love, but she somehow realizes that she loves him. When they finally get together, you're always like "aww that's so cute!" My story doesn't need to have love in it, though that always makes things more interesting. I just want something captivating and fun. I guess there's time for my fairytale to develop, but not too much, seeing as the world is likely to end in four years (If you haven't read yet, click here).

One of the reasons I love writing so much is because when I write I become part of my story. I take on all of the characters at the same time. That's only been a problem once when I was writing this really tense argument and I was shocked, livid, betrayed, and scared all at once, which caused uncontrollable shaking and a killer migraine. In my opinion, stories write themselves. I'm just a medium that translates the story from the pictures in my mind to words through my fingers. Sometimes I'll need to formulate a bridge from one developed section of a story to the next or if I don't like the story that is coming I can change a few things until a new one forms, but for the most part I have everything in my head already. A few times I've gotten my stories mixed up with real life and had trouble distinguishing what was real from what wasn't, but I've learned that, for the most part, if elves, wormholes, and my hair being a different color are involved, then it isn't real. That's a good rule of thumb for everybody. Now it's off to bed for me, seeing as it's 1AM and any minute now someone's going to realize that I never made it up the stairs to my room.

♥ j.j.

College and a bunch of stupid people

2008-08-14T19:26:00.004-04:00

I've spent much of today researching colleges instead of unpacking like I was going to. I think I'm fairly well off in the college application readiness department, seeing as I've been looking into colleges and preparing for deadlines since almost a year ago, but today I wanted to look over some colleges I never really looked into and start listing the college essays. Then I started my common app and realized that I've got about 11 colleges I'm applying to. My mom said I could apply to five in the end, so I gotta whittle that figure down a bit. Two of those 11 are women's colleges. I refuse to attend a women's college. So now I'm down to eight. Honestly, I only want to go to one school, Emory University, and if I don't get in there, I don't care what happens with the rest of my life, but that isn't a good philosophy. Sooo I have to like more schools and then I keep liking more schools and my mom says "oh, this school is good" and then I add that and the list keeps building until I'll be up for a month straight getting everything ready for the November 1st deadline (or Oct. 31st in the case of GA Tech). I got rid of a few colleges this morning that I couldn't think of why I ever liked them in the first place, but then I also added another one after talking to one of our old family friends who went there. I guess I have some time to work that junk out.

News just in, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince movie release has been postponed until July 17th 2009. Give me a minute to release my frustrations: !@#@@#!@#@$^%$#@^#$%@%^)(*&^%$%^&*^%$%^&%^&ET$W. Okayy. Warner Brothers' reasons for the postponement are that the writer's strike caused delays in the scripting of other movies and since summer always brings in a ton of money, they'd wait to rake in the dough. Now this comes after they've released the trailer and completely whetted everyone's anticipation. Can you say stupid muchh? Now it'll be two years between movies because WB wanted some more money. Hmph

I'm watching Scream right now and it's amazing how dumb those girls are. I should make my own horror movie to show all those chicks how to live when psychos are after them.

♥ j.j.

Tired induced deepness

2008-08-13T17:07:00.004-04:00

Today I'm quite tired (seems to be perpetual, eh? "Chronic" as one person has said). I guess I'm tired a lot, but only when I'm not doing anything, which is usually when I choose to write on here. When I'm busy I don't have time to stop and think that I'm tired. I'm tired today because I had to wake up early for a meeting, which sucked because I was so dead asleep at 7:20 this morning I didn't even hear my alarm go off and then at 8 I had to force myself up with the reasoning that my whole future depended on how fast I could get dressed.

I want to write about something that happened to me while I was gone, but I don't want to divulge the exact nature just because it isn't exactly something I want the world to know (so you ask why I'm posting it to my blog. Good question. I don't have an answer). Basically, I was humbled by an ironic experience. My entire life certain things have always come easy and, understandably, I take my ability to get them for granted and don't take advantage of it. Sometime over my time away last week, I realized that I wanted one of those things pretty badly. Much to my astonishment and disappointment, I wasn't able to get it. For the first time I had to take a step back and think. (It was similar to the time I got my first grade below an A.) I was stunned, speechless, wondering how the heck something like that could happen. I mean, it shouldn't happen. I'm me, I'm amazing. Pretty ironic how the first time I wanted something that always came so easy, I couldn't get it. There was a little hurt pride there, but I bounced back quickly. I hope any of that made sense. Just thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head for a few days.

I write stories often (and am pretty dang awesome at it if I do say so myself). I actually think in stories a lot of the time, which makes the whole writing part easier and better. I'm kinda protective of the things I write because they aren't just some paper thrown together for school, they're the product of my own imagination and mind. There's a vulnerability when you write your thoughts on paper. Anybody can read them and there's a big chance that person won't like them or will think differently of you. It's like letting someone tap into your head and listen in. Over the past few months I've gotten more comfortable with letting people read my work, but there's still hesitation. Even with stories designed for other people to read I have to convince myself that I won't die from humiliation or anything like that. Maybe sometime I'll post an excerpt from a story on here and get feedback. There are a few stories I've thought of lately that I haven't gotten around to writing. One of them I have only a title, another I have an opening paragraph, and then another one I have an entire plot and some fine details. I think maybe I'll start waking up early to type them, starting with one that originated in a dream almost perfectly formed. All I had to do when I woke up was get rid of some of the more dream-like elements and base them in reality. Things like that make me love my subconscious.

♥ j.j.

There's no place like home ((for the holidays))

2008-08-11T16:50:00.007-04:00

I've had that Christmas song stuck in my head for a few hours now even though there are no holidays that I am home for. And I am home. As of an hour ago, I am back from my forensics/leadership program. My body is so tired, I can't hardly move. Most of the 10 nights I spent there I went to bed late (poker is addicting. Kevin, you're right. But I don't go broke playing.) and then I had to wake up early to go to my class/lecture/trip. It's brutal. But good practice for school (which is starting in like 2 weeks!!).

It was pretty dang amazing, educational-wise and the whole experience of living in the dorms. Out of 57 students, 47 were girls. It was like a giant estrogen party and it took me a few days to get used to the over-abundance of hair supplies, make-up, dressy clothes, and high heels. There were a lot of dudes on campus, however, in the form of a men's soccer camp, medical students, and football camp (the football players are all over 6 ft. tall and absolutely huge. Kinda intimidating). I guess since I have so much to say and don't feel like taking the time to construct paragraphs (every part of me except for my fingers is tired. Even my brain), I'll make a gigantic list of things that happened, thoughts, etc.

I like living in the dorms, but I hate showering in there.

-break for 3 hour nap because I fell asleep and didn't wake back up-

I went rock climbing for the first time and was able to completely scale one wall and go 3/4 on another before my arms gave out.
I learned blood spatter analysis (finally!) and while walking back to my dorm analyzed everything on the ground that looked remotely like a drop of blood. I also learned some forensic anthropology, fingerprinting, tire and shoe prints, and how to be an effective leader by balancing my personality matrix.
My friend Kelsey attracted some ducks and they started following us back to the bus. Our plan to hide them under our shirts and sneak them back to the dorm didn't pan out.
We had four dances. And apparently I am a crazy amazing dancer. You should have seen people being like OMG she can dance! But my TA can dance even better. She can do the 2 step (by UNK) and it looks sooo great. She also did the Thriller dance. I aim to emulate her before the summer is over.
People look at you weird when a giant group of girls (and one boy) walks through a national monument at 9 pm singing Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl".
People also look at you weird when you walk down the street holding a piece of paper covered in blood spatter.
Cheerleaders should wear clothes when they go to public places. I get the whole wear sports bras and soffies when you're practicing, but seriously, nobody wants to see your stomachs and your butts while they're eating. And even more seriously, you don't look all that great half naked.
Cafeteria food sucks.
I happened to be in the same town as an anime convention on Friday and there were a lot of people dressed up. It was kinda cool.
Baby thought I died. She told me so when I talked to her on the phone.
I can do the Cupid Shuffle (easy, yes, but oh so fun)
I got quite embarrassed the several times that people started talking about how amazing it is that I look so gorgeous without make up and how I can still look gorgeous when I'm dripping sweat. I didn't agree with them about the sweat thing. It was pretty gross.
My name tag started to grow mold on it a few days in becasue of a misfortunate accident involving a door, a plate, and a cup of orange juice. So the office called me Moldy Name Tag Girl while I was trying to get a new one.
My TA lived in the same town and went to the same school that my grandpa taught at. And it happens to be a town that nobody else has ever heard of with a population of like 10. Coincidence muchh.
I was lead investigator in solving a crime where a guy killed his identical twin brother.
Nobody can say the name Gerald (pronounced Jer-old) twice in a row correctly. I called my victim Gerard for a long time and wrote it on official paperwork. But that's not as bad as Gerlad like some people said. I think Gerlad is a nice name for a dragon or a wizard or a dwarf. I think I might use that in a story.

That's the gist of everything. Basically it was a whole ton of fun and I really didn't want to come home. Although I do want to sleep in a real bed and eat food that tastes like food and shower in an actual shower. Besides the lack of those things, I think college will be awesome.

♥ j.j.

Flapjack horrors

2008-08-01T11:40:00.004-04:00

Yes, I'm back. I got three hours of sleep and there's half a unit of driver's ed left to go. The sleep was an accident. Around 5:30 I decided to take a break and watch the sun rise from the bench in front of my windows. It was the third most relaxing thing that's happened all summer. Then before the sun had fully risen, I fell asleep and didn't wake up till after 10. Then sorely I dragged myself out of bed, discovered I had a bug bite on my chin, and got recruited to make breakfast.

And the massacre began.

I don't have a very good record for making good food and the last time I made pancakes they tasted like spaghetti (no joke. It was so weird. And I made them from a box.). This time though, I approached it begrudgingly but with confidence. I mixed all of the ingredients together, then realized the butter was supposed to be melted, not just softened. So I had to do some quick microwaving to remedy that. Then onto the griddle the batter goes. My confidence dissipated quite rapidly as soon as the first drop of batter started sizzling. Long story short, I got batter all over my shirt and the top of my foot (got into fight with the spatula), smoke was billowing from underneath the griddle, and my family had to joyfully eat a plate full of deformed lumps of burned on the outside, raw on the inside "chewing gum". At least they tasted like pancakes this time. But I tell you, I can cook Persian rice, almost like I have any Persian-ness in me at all. So as long as my future family is willing to forgo breakfast (I can't make grits either. Or oatmeal.) then they'll be well fed for the rest of the day on various rice dishes.

I waste so much time. I guess I should go finish the last bit of driver's ed and finish packing.

This is Jesse James signing off for the next week or so (for real this time). Ciao, Tschüs, Later, Khoda hafaz...all that good junk

♥ j.j.

It's too late to think of a title

2008-07-31T23:17:00.003-04:00

First things first, Happy Birthday Harry Potter! (And JKR too.)

Now, on to other things. I will be leaving in approximately 34 hours to go to the site of my forensics class and there are news reports of at least two cougars prowling about the area. Add that to the warnings of asbestos and lead in the dorms where I'm staying and the two page liability waiver with the word DEATH bolded every couple lines and you get a big ol' ton of fun. Actually, I couldn't care less about poison building materials since won't be there long term and I won't be taking a sander to the floor tiles and I'd much love to see a cougar or two. All I get in my backyard is a bunch of birds, bugs, and maybe a frog if I'm lucky. (You guys need to see my picture of Mr. Frog. It's pretty much amazing) My mom's the one having a heart attack and planning on staying at a hotel near me the whole time just in case I get mauled or lung cancer or something. Now watch there be a mass murderer or an Ebola outbreak there tomorrow.

Tonight I'm going to finish driver's ed. I will! I promise! I'm prepared to stay up all night with a cup of dark chocolate chocolate chips, orange juice, an expansive playlist of songs I love to sing and dance to, and a wicked comfortable armchair. All I need is the motivation to drag through three more units of badly scanned, typo filled, utterly useless driving information. Even the prospects of finally getting to get behind the wheel of a car a year and a half after everybody else my age aren't working anymore. That got me through the first four pages before I realized that I'm not going to need to know how many liver, kidney, skin, marrow, and cornea donations are needed every year to save all of the people dying or which transplant program is better for African Americans in order to make a car go. All you gotta do is press those little pedal things and turn the big circle right??

I'm a member of the Gold Key Society for winning that cute little gold key pin because I happened to write a little story that made people breathless. (Unless they were that one dude who told me that it was okay, but not really his type. Instead he wrote something about everybody in my school dying in an explosion and only he was left to witness the massive gore and maniacal laughter of his alter ego. Or something like that. But I ended up with the award. And he prolly ended up with a referral to the psychologist) On the Gold Key Society social networking thing I can read stories and see artwork and talk to some of the most brilliant people I've ever met. There's nothing in the world like finding a whole collection of like-minded individuals who just blow you away with their talents. I read a story today that was so good I just sat there and stared for ten minutes afterwards, stunned. I never do that with all these "classic" writers that I'm forced to study in school. Occasionally a line or two from a story sticks out, but that's about it. If teachers really want to study human feelings through writing and art, check out some of their own students' work. Not those old dead dudes. (Another girl who's writing I enjoy is Anna (http://awwaggener.wordpress.com/). I find her style very relaxed and humorous.)

It is 3:47 am and I started this post at 11 something. But I have finished one whole unit in driver's ed. Woohoo! I guess I should sign off of this and quit wasting time or I'll never finish the other two by the time the rest of the world wakes up (although I much prefer the people that don't sleep and decide to stay up talking colors). If I don't make it back tomorrow (today actually) to enlighten and entertain (or bore) with my random thoughts, then I'll say goodbye now. I'll miss you all, and I'll update if I get a chance while I'm gone.

♥ j.j.

btw: for those of you wondering, Eric is doing well last I heard. He's awake, talked on the phone a bit, and underwent surgery to repair some nerves in his leg. He's still got a long recovery ahead, so wish the little boy and his family well.

Pigs go Woof

2008-07-30T18:37:00.005-04:00

I'm such an awful person. I was going to save the world this summer and all I've done is...definitely not that. It wasn't quite saving the world that I wanted to do, though I wouldn't turn down the opportunity if I got it, but I was planning on demonstrating against KFC, leafleting at the circus while they were here, and putting anti- Mars Inc. and KFC flyers in as many books in the library as I could (and here it is, almost August and I've been trying since the beginning of June to get to the library. I'd say that's failure right there). I don't know if doing any of that would make a difference in anybody's lives, but it doesn't hurt to try and let everybody know exactly where I stand on certain issues.

I guess I should explain some for those confused people. I'm an animal rights activist and I have been since 1st grade when I took stickers portraying an evil Ronald McDonald holding up a bloody chicken to school and handed them out to people. I joined PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) when I was eight and have been advocating animal rights since. Now before you get all "Omg! She's a PETA supporter! Everything she says is radical b.s.!" I have to say that I agree that PETA is radical and can go overboard sometimes with their protests, but their information is always right and they get stuff done. They thoroughly investigate all claims and get video, pictures, primary sources, etc. as proof so I know that the information I get from them is good. I supplement with my own research too in some cases so I can be sure that what I'm saying is true. I've also been vegetarian for nearly two years. I've gone vegetarian several times before that, but it was always difficult with the way my family ate until I was old enough to handle my own food. I'll be going vegan eventually when I have complete control over what food is in my household.

The issue that I'm working on the most right now is that of Mars Inc.'s abuse of animals. Mars makes all tons of candy including M&Ms, Skittles, Twix, Dove, and Snickers and a few pet products. There have been allegations that Mars is doing cruel animal testing. I researched on my own and found primary source articles listing Mars Inc. as a contributor that detailed animal testing for reasons such as angiogenesis (regrowth of blood vessels). Can you tell me what a candy company needs with angiogenesis research? All they're doing is torturing baby mice to get money and then denying every bit of it when they're confronted. Performing excruciatingly painful and dangerous experiments on mice aren't going to make their products any better. I've been boycotting Mars for almost a year now, which was a huge sacrifice because I used to go through several bags of M&Ms a week and there are no good, readily available replacements for those. And to make it worse, dark chocolate M&Ms came out right after I started boycotting.

I also boycott KFC because their suppliers are horribly cruel and there's a ton of corruption within the corporation itself. The facts would take too long to tell, but I'd advise all of you to boycott too. That grandfather-y old Colonel has some deadly horns hiding underneath that white hair. Some other campaigns I'm fond of are the Fur is Dead campaign, and the Woof campaign. Fur is Dead is quite self-explanatory, but Woof is pretty interesting. The basic principle behind it is if pigs said "woof", they wouldn't be treated like they are. Pigs and dogs are surprisingly similar, but dogs aren't packed into crates, aren't castrated, don't have their teeth ripped out and their tails cut off without painkillers, and then killed for food. Pigs are as smart as a three year old child and take it from someone who lives with a three year old, they're freaking smart.

I've got strong opinions on animal treatment (and a whole ton of other stuff) and I could talk forever, but my mom has been trying to get me to go to bed for like 2 hours. So off I go.

♥ j.j.

Problems of every sort and a whole ton of tears

2008-07-28T13:48:00.009-04:00

Some former Google engineers have started their own search engine and are boasting that it's loads better. Cuil, pronounced "cool", says it has a wider search base. I tried it out and it seemed a little slow to me, but the format is pretty awesome looking and simple. Instead of listing the results, they come in columns with little snippets of the page and a picture. (click on the screenshot I did.) They don't have advertisements yet, but they said they'd get there eventually. They also screen all the pages they put in their database several times- that must be a fun job. I thought it was pretty funny that those guys decided to rival their old company, especially a big thing like Google. I mean "google" is an official verb now. It'll be interesting seeing how they fare. "Cuil it" isn't as good a phrase as "Google it" and might cause some confusion. ("What's this mean?" "Cuil it." "Gosh, sorry. I was only asking a question.")

I'm feeling slightly vindictive tonight due to reasons I don't feel like discussing. Let's just say that some people could do with a smart slap in the face because they are dang clueless (or using the beautifully put words of Ron Weasley, they wouldn't recognize flippin' good sense if it danced naked in front of them wearing Dobby's tea cozy). I dunno what it is with perfectly brilliant people being amazingly stupid lately. Must be something in the water. Let me tell you, though, what problems I've been having the past couple days: I was feeling pretty awful yesterday, threw up a bunch, had to take this crazy strong nausea medicine which made me so tired I slept on my bathroom floor for 5 hours (good thing my new towels are fluffy and soft. They feel so good!), my throat and my tongue are burned (throat from HCl and tongue because I ate something hot), I'm still tired, I had the chance to get to the library today but I didn't take it (stupid stupid stupid), there's no chocolate in my house, driver's ed is boring (do they seriously think I'm going to sit in my car and do math to figure out exactly how many seconds it will take me to pass another car?!?), my best friend won't talk to me and isn't acting like a best friend, and I feel like typing some more of a story but that story is on a flash drive that is downstairs and I'm too tired to go down and get it. Problems like those could rival even Amy Winehouse's many issues.

But just now, my mom came to tell me something horrible and my problems seem like wonderful flits around a butterfly filled meadow. Apparently a little boy, Eric, that I know (I stayed with his family for a week a few years ago) ran through a glass door on Saturday and severed his femoral artery. He lost massive amounts of blood, went into shock, and is now in the hospital in critical condition on a respirator and under sedation. The doctors at first weren't sure if he'd make it and now aren't sure if he will suffer brain damage from the blood loss or if they will be able to save his leg. They bring him out of sedation tomorrow to see what's going on with him. I feel so upset right now (great time for my best friend to step in and be comforting, you know.). I've helped that kid with his science homework, played basketball and capture the flag with him and his brother, gotten grossed out by the video games he's played... And now his life is on the line. Things like this shouldn't happen to little boys. They happen too often to the best little kids you could ever find. I know three delightful little boys that have brain tumors and a slim chance of living to see their teenage years, my own brother was taken by a brain tumor when he was eleven, and I know of several other little boys who lost the losing battle of cancer. Now Eric is in the hospital. It really reinforces the fact that whatever is happening to you, there is always some little kid going through worse. Remember that.

♥ j.j.

Stars and Spatter Forever

2008-07-27T12:28:00.005-04:00

They sat unspeaking, staring up at the sky through the swing's frame. Dozens of bright stars shone from the darkness, the only witnesses to the still night and the steady back and forth of the creaking swing.

That is a clip from early this morning (not the best written, but you try to do better on 2 hours of sleep). I had a camp out in my backyard with some friends. Awesome fun. Sometime this morning, after most people had gone to bed already, I was sitting on the swing with Squish, just awed by nature. Everything was so beautiful and calm. Even the hoards of mosquitoes didn't mess it up (I have bites everywhere! Even the bottom of my foot. That one right there is annoying.) There are very few times when I am awed into submission, and last night was one of them. My mind couldn't even work right and form thoughts. A great thing was that I wasn't the only one affected by it all. I've sat outside at night alone before and just watched the sky and the trees, but seeing somebody else take so much joy in something that I do was refreshing. A mutual experience is always more special than a solo one.

Next Saturday I'm going out of town to take a Forensic Science class at a college for 10 days. I read all the information available and it looks amazingly fun. I especially can't wait for blood spatter analysis. I love the series Dexter and I've practiced blood spatter analysis in the shower before, analyzing the water drops instead. (It's a weird thing to do, i know, but I was bored and didn't feel like getting out.) Forensic science is what I've wanted to do forever (after I got over my geologist stage), even before the CSI shows came out. It combines science with detective work and helps people (unless you're the bad guys) all at the same time. So this class does mock crime scenes and stuff like that that I've always wanted to do and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm pretty nervous too though. I'm going to have to meet people there and I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen. It's the same type of nervousness I get before I start a new school or do something new, so I know everything's going to be fine. I've never failed at making friends, even though I've changed schools 11 times (that's a lie. There was that one school that I went to for two hours three times a week for a month. Made no friends at all. It was awful. But other than that, I've always made friends.) and nothing horrible has happened as a result of my doing something, so as long as those trends continue, it shouldn't be too bad.

♥ j.j.

*I wrote the first half of this yesterday before I passed out from tiredness. So by "this morning" I actually mean yesterday morning and so on.

Schlechte Musik && Traurige Kinder

2008-07-24T12:30:00.005-04:00

Tokio Hotel is one of my favorite bands, not just for Bill (though he is a good asset), but because they have a good sound and the lyrics are deep. Those lyrics aren't so deep when they're translated from German to English though and some bright person decided that they'd only release the English version of their album Schrei (Scream) in the US. So now I'm being bombarded with shoddy versions of amazing songs on the radio and all these girls who claim they're fans without ever hearing the true music. And the fan fiction! Don't even get me started on that. Bill and Tom aren't gonna get into a fight over some crazy American fan girl who just happens to have a shrine of Tom in her closet. And Bill isn't gonna leave his band to go follow a girl who got pregnant with her best friend's husband. Sorry, not gonna happen. One of my favorite songs, "Spring Nicht", is so sad because it's about a dude pleading with somebody not to jump off a building. The German lyrics (the beginning is "Über den Dächern, ist es so kalt, und so still. Ich schweig Deinen Namen, weil Du ihn jetzt, nicht hören willst. Der Abgrund der Stadt, verschlingt jede Träne die fällt. Da unten ist nichts mehr, was Dich hier oben noch hällt." -- for those of you that understand) hold so much more feeling and power than their English equivalents. ("On top of the roof the air is so cold and so calm. I say your name in silence. You don't wanna hear it right now. The eyes of the city are counting the tears falling down. Each one a promise of everything you never found.") The English version doesn't make me want to cry like the other one does. I mean, they are sad, but you can't compare those to the original lyrics. And honestly, they don't sound right with the music. My other favorite song, "Vergessene Kinder" sounds so much better than the translation "Forgotten Children." There are a different amount of syllables, which just ruins the song.

That's my rant for today.

In other news, A judge in New Zealand took a girl away from her parents just long enough to change her name. Apparently they had named her Talula Does The Hula In Hawaii. O.M.G. She had to live 9 years with that name? Poor kid. Her parents must've been like...I have no idea. What would make a person torture their kid like that? I can understand the old guy changing his name to In God We Trust. He's old and he made that choice himself as a way of protesting political correctness (maybe I should change my name to Mars Candy Kills). But subjecting a child to the social rejection because of having a name that sounds like it should be the name of a Beach Boy's song? I heard of a Japanese (maybe it was Chinese) family naming their child Ampersand. That's not so bad. At least not as bad as Maynard like Susan named her baby on Desperate Housewives. If I ever have kids I want to name a girl Hawthorne and a boy Emerson. Those are unusual, but not over the top. (I know, some people beg to differ...Neima :-P) Over the top is some of the other names people in New Zealand have named their kids or tried to name them before the courts were like no way: Fish and Chips, Number 16 Bus Shelter, Violence, Yeah Detroit (Tigers fans muchh?), and Keenan Got Lucy. Then from the rest of the world there's Jellyfish McSaveloy (haha Squish...), Toasted T. Cake, Denim and Diezel, Loser Lane, and Urban Shocker. My goodness. None of those are as bad as Talula Does The Hula In Hawaii, but I'd hate to be called Loser my entire life.

♥ j.j.

One bug, thirteen bug, red bug, lime green bug

2008-07-22T21:30:00.003-04:00

My mom's got an entirely organic, natural garden in my backyard. It's beautiful, with a ton of different flowers and plants, and I can't wait 'till the yellow squash gets ripe (it's one of my favorite foods when it's cooked). A couple weeks ago, though, my mom discovered squash bugs on the squash. She made me catch two of the bugs to identify them and close them in little soil test tube. It almost made me cry to suffocate the little bugs, but I was told that it was war and they're the enemy. They chew up the leaves and make the plants die. Since she's all natural, she won't use pesticides (those are bad for the environment anyways. Y'all should see the lake near my house - it's going crazy with eutrophication.) and squash bugs are impervious to pesticides. Soo the only alternative is natural pest control, meaning we attract good bugs that will eat the bad bugs. The flowers are for that purpose. But that wasn't enough. We needed better weapons. In come the lady bugs and praying mantid eggs. This morning I had to shake 1800 ladybugs out of their mesh bag. Then I was relegated to the task of tying the mantid eggs to a tree so they can hatch. If you've ever seen a praying mantis, those things are freaking scary! They're all spindly and big and they're eyes are evil and then their mouth is in like a constant smirk (kinda like emus). And then they'll attack anything they think they can overpower: bugs, mice, snakes, hummingbirds, dogs... The egg sac would hatch between 200 and 300 mantids. Oh man. I'd never go outside if that happened. So as I walked outside to hang the eggs on a tree, my mom decided that maybe since she was scared of them too I should hang it in the little space between our fence and the neighbor's fence so we wouldn't get 300, but maybe just a couple. A couple we can handle, 300...oh my gooooodness. So I went through the space, got a thorn in my foot and thought I had touched poison sumac, all the while praying that the eggs didn't hatch in my hand and spout a ton of minuscule monsters all over me. Never again. I'll stick with the ladybugs next time. Or the bees and spiders. Not hungry, evil green sticks.

♥ j.j.

My creativity knows no bounds...

2008-07-21T12:18:00.006-04:00

...unless I've got a deadline. I'm entering a film maker's contest through the local library so I can get some use out of my new camcorder and I'm just completely devoid of ideas. Well, I have loads of ideas, just none that will fit with the theme, "M is for Mystery" (my goodness what a horrible theme), or with what I have available to me (limited transportation and only me as an actor since nobody seems eager to participate.). There's a week and a half left for me to film and edit, so I gotta get jumpin' on it, but my brain just isn't coming up with any genius ideas. Crazy annoying because I know that if I didn't have a deadline, I'd be a film idea maven.

The big story for tonight, though (not my hamsters, sorry. I didn't feel like getting online yesterday.) is the chance that I'll be moving. We went tonight to look at a house that's like 20 miles from my house, literally in the middle of nowhere, and practically in the next state - less than 9 miles from the state line. The house is cool, on 8 acres with a pond and a creek, and if we moved I'd get the attic for my bedroom which I've been adamant that I'd get if we ever moved. The only problem is that the house is 53 miles from my school (and I have to stay at that school. It's a special school) and 31 miles from my nearest friend. 70 miles to the friends that I actually hang out with. I'd say that's messed up right there. Have to drive two hours just to go see a movie?? Annnd I'd have to catch the bus at 5:45 or earlier in the morning because my mom won't let me drive to school, I'll get home crazy late, and I'll never get to do anything. I like the house, and I know I'm leaving in a year for college, but that's a year of no sleep and even less of a life than I have now. Junk just can't be simple, can it? Maybe my people'll move after I leave, because then it wouldn't matter where they live; I'd just come home for Christmas and a few weeks over the summer. I guess I'll wait it out and throw a tantrum if the time comes. Or find an equal or better house nearer to where I'd like to be. Anybody got 8 acres with a pond, a creek, fruit trees, a spring house, and an old country farmhouse with a big kitchen and 5 bedrooms (one in the attic!) in their neighborhood? Try looking around, they can be easy to miss sometimes.

♥ j.j.

Deux

2008-07-19T22:42:00.002-04:00

There's no rule about posting twice in one day (at least I hope not.) so I'm back. After walking into a wall earlier because I was so tired I went outside and took a nap on the play set. It was warm, though uncomfortable and I was woken up by Baby stepping on my stomach. But I'm not so tired anymore, so that's a good thing. I also didn't have to go to the raw milk lecture. My mom started working in the yard and didn't get done till late, which gave me time to watch the last Avatar movie. It was nail-biting. I was literally jumping on the couch screaming for half of it. (**warning, spoilers- if you don't wanna know the ending, don't read this next bit!**) I'm really happy that Aang and Katara fiiinally got together. And Zuko became firelord, figured himself out, got his uncle back, and got closure with his father. Woohoo! But he did end up with Mai, which I'm not happy with. Once he got over his inferiority complex and misplaced hunger for his father's acceptance and got rid of the whole hair in a bun thing he was cute. Like forget Jet kinda cute. (I know I'm confusing some people, but bear with me) And I like his personality. It's sensitive, but determined. Jet was too disillusioned for me, but I was willing to overlook that until Zuko went good. OK. Spoiler warning over.

I just watched a short video on YouTube about two dudes that rescued a lion cub from a sad life in a cage. They raised it until it got too big for their flat and then took it to the wild. A year later they went back to visit the lion, who had assimilated and was the leader of his own pride, and the lion remembered them! It was so sweet. The lion practically knocked them over with hugs and licks and even introduced them to his wife. I've always wanted some sort of exotic animal, but I think it's better for them to be in their natural environments. A tiger or a monkey, even a pig (the babies are so cute!!), would be awesome and different. If someone asked if I had a dog, I could totally be like "naww. I got a koala bear." If I get a chance to save an animal that absolutely can't be reintroduced to the wild, I'd certainly keep it. That would be better than the alternatives of a zoo, research lab, or circus. Even if I can't keep one, I want to be able to save an animal at some point. A firefighter saved a bear cub from the wildfires out west recently. I want to do that. Animals in shelters need saving and I'll do that for sure as soon as I can. (I saved a hamster a few years ago, but she turned out to be horribly mean and tried to chew through my bedroom door to get into my room in the middle of the night once becasue my other hamster was there. I think I'll tell you all about my two favorite hamsters tomorrow.) I kinda want to be able to save like a baby seal or a fox or something not so common though, nurse it back to health and then let it go in a teary farewell only to return years later to find it has a family with lots of cute little babies. You can't really do that with dogs or cats. Or hamsters.

I think I'll go to bed now, so I'm not so tired tomorrow. I don't think my head can take anymore bangs. There was that concussion thing last week and the wall today and that whole incident where I was beaten with a plastic cow...Better play it safe.

♥ j.j.

I'm gonna eat me a lot of peaches

2008-07-19T15:02:00.007-04:00

There's this song by Presidents of the USA called "Peaches". It's a weird song and my mom likes to sing it. But there's relevance. I went peach, cherry, and blackberry picking early this morning at a farm kinda sorta near my house. Actually, I didn't touch any of the peaches or blackberries. I took pictures of them though. I've never seen a real cherry tree unless you count the chokecherry tree in the backyard of my old house so I took a ton of pictures of those and picked a bunch. I hoisted Baby up on my shoulders so she could pick too, but she ended up dropping most of them on my head. It was pretty fun, but I recommend not wearing jeans. It's hard to climb in them, especially when you get all sweaty. And don't let anybody spray you with bug spray while you're holding a camera, a video camera, and an mp3 player. That junk doesn't come off of LCD screens very easily.

Tonight I get to go to a lecture on raw milk. Apparently it's illegal where I live and people want to stage a movement to get that changed. I couldn't care less. But yippee for me I don't have a choice but to go and act interested.

I'm really tired to day on account of not getting much sleep last night or the night before, so my brain's not working and I can't think of anything else to say (astonishing, I know). I'll just leave you with a quote from our illustrious president.

"I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be -- hold hands."

Glad we can count on you, Mr. Prez.

♥ j.j.

P.S. TheMan: in answer to your question, I have no idea what's going on with my book. I have an email in to my manager lady asking what's taking so long. <3

RaWrr

2008-07-18T18:37:00.005-04:00

I'm in a bad mood today. I've been in a bad mood since I woke up, mainly because I'm sick of summer. It was awesome the first two weeks when all I did was sleep late and sit around watching tv or playing video games and solitaire until the wee hours of the morning. I enjoyed having so much time with nothing to do after spending ten months of my life slaving away to try to get good grades so I can go to another school just to waste my life some more. But now, after a month straight of down time, I'm ready to get up and do something. If only there were something to do. There isn't, at least nothing I can think of. You can only go to the mall and the movies so many times. (Btw: I saw Space Chimps today. Hiiiiiilarious! But only because I found parallels between the nerds on there and some of my close friends.) I tried being a photographer, but the nature in my neighborhood gets repetitive- bugs, flowers, prettier flowers, more bugs, a little kid, a tree, more bugs- and people just don't like it when you use 48X optical zoom to photograph the insides of their houses or their children and dogs without ever leaving your room. I tried being a deejay, but my mom quickly shut down that idea after I nearly broke eardrums and windows with a high frequency tone that froze the computer. I tried getting all buff and fit with a hardcore workout routine but I decided I liked laying on my fuzzy rug and looking up at paper stars more than crunches. I tried writing a best seller and ended up with seven short stories, three really sucky poems, and two novels, none of which are finished. So with those and a few more attempts at non-boredom, I utterly and completely fail and am left feeling unproductive and jealous of all those people who seem to never have a dull moment. (How do they do it??!)

If I could have any superpower, I think I'd choose the ability to fly. If I could do that, I wouldn't have to suffer through boring driver's ed courses and I wouldn't destroy the environment by consuming large quantities of gasoline and emitting heat and gasses. It'd be faster and safer than driving as long as I avoided airplanes and tall buildings and the feeling of freedom could beat anything. None of the other superpowers seem that great. X-ray vision for example. What would I use that for, unless I wanted to work in a doctor's office? I have no need to see through walls or anything of that sort. Bulletproofness looks cool, but I doubt I'd be shot at by enough bullets to warrant needing that. Super strength...if I couldn't lift something I'd just have to call my best friend and he probably could. Super flexibility...woulda made cheerleading a whole heck of a lot easier but I think I'm sticking to basketball from now on. Nothing I can come up with is better than flying, so I'm hoping that I can find a vat of nuclear waste that only mutates people enough so that they can fly, or I find a wizard willing to get me a broomstick.

One last thing. Starbucks is closing 600 stores this month. Good for them. Somebody finally realized that having two on every corner wasn't very cost efficient.

♥ j.j.

The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner

2008-07-17T14:56:00.009-04:00

Many of you will be amazed at the fact that I went running today. Yes, yes, it's true. As soon as I had the chance this afternoon I changed out of my pajamas and into better running clothes and put on sneakers for the first time since basketball season ended. I wanted to go barefoot, but I decided that, seeing as it's about 90 degrees right now and the concrete has been storing heat all day, I'd rather not burn all the skin off of the soles of my feet. Then I jogged across the street with a bottle in one hand, my mp3 player in the other, and my camera bag holding my camera and my cell phone hitting my back with every step. I looked more like a tourist than a runner, but I wasn't giving up the music and my mom made me take my phone. So I did pretty good running down to a lake near my house and I only stopped once to take a picture of some flowers. Ran past the lake and into another neighborhood, got lost, turned around, and decided I was done running. I chose to practice photography instead and took pictures of random things. It got kinda awkward when a guy drove home while I was standing in his yard taking a picture of the fire hydrant. All in all I think I did good. Out of the maybe thirty minutes I was out I ran like ten and I got a bunch of beautiful pictures, two of which are posted here. (Actually, the fire hydrant is pretty dirty looking)

I pulled the little story from which this post got its name (written by Alan Sillitoe - 1959 if you care to read it) out of a stack of school papers from two years ago. It was buried amid scraps of paper with random German song lyrics written on them in two different handwritings (yes. You know who you are, my accomplice in fending off boredom in English.) and a couple addition worksheets where you color sharks based on what answer you got (Don't ask, I have no idea where those came from). I have a little problem getting rid of school work. There's a small stack that has stuff from 5th grade through 8th grade still that I keep telling myself I might need someday (You never know when that handout on ancient Indian civilizations might come in handy) and then almost every notebook and folder I've used since 9th grade. Most of it's trash that I'll never need ever. I'm proud of myself though, that this year as soon as school ended I went through all of my papers from the past year and recycled them if I didn't need them or burned them if they were physics. I just haven't gotten around to the rest of my closet. I'll get there eventually and will have to talk myself out of saving my German 1 worksheets on how to say "What would you like to order?" "I would like some strawberry ice cream and some french fries, please." If after four years of that language (And a 5 on the AP exam!!!!!) I don't know how to order ice cream, I think I fail.

One last thing that's on my mind, Zac Efron's face. The expressions he makes, especially when he is sad, just make my heart stop. There is only one other actor like that- Sean Astin, best known for playing Sam in Lord of the Rings. When he looks sad, oh man watch out. I was a teary mess when I watched Return of the King because Sam was always looking sad. I think I cried for most of the movie because of that and then I cried at the end because Frodo was leaving. Zac Efron doesn't make me cry, but I swear I'm gonna suffocate someday because of him. I just watched the High School Musical 3 trailer (click here if you wanna see it) and his face is just, my goodness. He must practice in front of the mirror to make it all irresistibly amazing to look at. And I'm glad he got his good hair back. The short brown mess he had last year was just plain awful. Okay. Enough about him for tonight.

♥ j.j.

Dyin' to cry my heart out...

2008-07-16T11:03:00.006-04:00

This morning at about 1 I found myself in my bathroom dancing and mouthing the words to "I Won't Say (I'm in Love)" from Disney's Hercules movie (I would have sang if there weren't sleeping people). I love that song so much I've listened to it more than 750 times since 2pm yesterday. Meg sings with a lot of feeling, so much so that I feel like falling in love and being in denial about it just so I can sing the song the right way. Right now I'm too happily accepting of my feelings. I guess that's not so bad, but how many good songs are there that are about being fine with having a crush that's never going to develop into something more? I can't think of any at the moment. Good music needs powerful feelings of some sort and contentedness just isn't that powerful of a feeling. Most of my favorite songs are able to make me feel the way the singer feels and the very best (like Prelude from Bach's Cello Suite no. 1, especially played by Yo Yo Ma) make it hard to breathe. Does being perfectly sans souci (French - without worry) make it hard to breathe? I didn't think so. Soo. If I want to be able to find an anthem fitting to how I feel, I gotta write my own or change my feelings. Considering that all the songs I've ever written have sucked like crazy, I'm going for the latter. Now to outline my amazing progression of emotion filled theme songs:

Have a fall-out with my father and cry in a corner for a bit while considering the merits of cutting (Simple Plan "Perfect") then just decide that he's not worth my time. (3Against1 "My Life")
Fall for a dude who is oblivious to my very existence, preferably one that is too good for me and has an amazingly hott, jealous girlfriend. Admire from afar and lament that I'm invisible to his amazing eyes. Powerful feelings of despondency can be fitted to many emo songs. Whole albums even.
Get over dude number one (his beautiful eyes were color contacts) and go along merrily with my life until dude number two flounces in all macho and arrogant, making me hate him, but still something in the way he wears those skinny jeans gets me all full of butterflies. Great time to bring in the singing muses and deny my feelings outside in the middle of the night.
Numero 2 falls for me too, gets off the testosterone pills, and gets up the courage to kiss me right after saving my skin from some sort of peril, maybe Voldemort, maybe a scientist-turned-octopus, maybe a rabid squirrel. Swelling instrumentals round out the happy scene.
A few months later, Mr. Amazing decides he needs space and leaves on a midnight train to Georgia without me. (dang it. I wanted boiled peanuts) I feel depressed, I can't hardly eat, I can't hardly sleep. Cue the heart-jerking country ballad. (Try Rascal Flatts, "What Hurts The Most")
A couple hours into the train ride he realized that he couldn't possibly live without me, jumped out the window and ran all the way back. When he gets there, he apologises by climbing up to my balcony, calling my cell phone, and telling me to look outside where he is singing a boy band love song (Backstreet Boys, "Inconsolable", "Crawling Back To You", "Incomplete", "Climbing the Walls"...) or a rock hit. ("Bell Bottom Blues" Clapton)
So after we make up and everything is all peachy for a while and accompanied by some beautiful cello solos, it can go one of two ways: One- He decides to cheat and gets caught. Bring on the screamo (a ton of Bullet For My Valentine songs), the angry pop divas (Rihanna, Jojo, Jeannie Ortega...), and My Chemical Romance ("I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"). Or Two he goes out drinking, drives, crashes, and dies and I'm left wondering why he was so stupid. ("Invincible" Jesse McCartney, "10 Years Today" Bullet For My Valentine)
After Number 2 goes away- because if he stays there'll be contentment and contentment just doesn't have music- I am free to go on a dangerous magical quest to save the universe with Avision Red or Ethereal Architect blaring from my headphones.

All of that seems a bit much just to get a theme song. I wouldn't mind the quest or a cute guy singing boy band hits to me, but the other emotional ups and downs don't seem all that great. Maybe I should just stick with my happiness. There are plenty of Wizard Rock songs that don't need an emotion, just a good wizard humor.

♥ j.j.

Introduction

2008-07-15T10:29:00.005-04:00

After writing about the end of the world (and getting that R.E.M. song stuck in my head forever) I realized that you need a small introduction to your doomsayer. I am Jesse James. Yes the one that staged daring robberies, was hailed as the American Robin Hood, and was shot in the back of the head while he was cleaning a picture hanging on the wall of his house by one of the only two men he trusted. (Bill Ford was a coward!!) Well, I'm not really Mr. James or I'd be a super old zombie man. Jesse James is a nickname I acquired many years ago, but since I feel like keeping my real identity secret, you get to know me as Jesse James, the Confederate bandit.

A little about me: I started this blog as a way to write whatever the heck I want whenever I feel like it. Or when I'm crazy bored. I don't like using paragraphs when I get to writing (which drove my English teacher crazy) but I'll make a special effort to try to get those in on here to save your sanity. I don't use transitions a lot between topics because my mind skips around so much, so I apologize ahead of time for any resulting confusion. I'm obsessed with Harry Potter. Not as much as I used to be, but still above average obsession. Sirius Black is my favorite character and was my soul mate before that unfortunate day where he fell beyond the veil. If I think about Order of the Phoenix in any of its forms I cry and I'm mad at JKR for not bringing him back the right way in the last book. I'm a writer and a photographer. I hate poetry, writing it or reading it. I love music and always have it playing when I'm at home, complete with dancing and air bands, and there's pretty much always a song or jingle stuck in my head when I'm not at home to keep me entertained. Right now I'm listening to Handlebars by Flobots. It's a cool song, but I can't ride my bike with no handlebars, as the scars on my shins are testament. Mmm...That's all I can think of to say right now.

♥ j.j.

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel pretty darn fine

2008-07-14T23:10:00.007-04:00

Today on the History Channel there was a show about the impending doom that is supposedly happening on December 21, 2012. I did a little research on it a few days ago after my mom mentioned it but didn't get very far past this one author that wrote a series of books on it and dominates Google searches. So I was happy when everything I wanted to know was researched by other people and summed up in an hour long show complete with reenactments of oracles going crazy off of natural gas in their underground lairs.

The basis for a lot of people believing that 12-21-2012 is the end of the world is the Mayan calendar. The Mayans were amazing at calendar figuring and were able to create a calendar that is so accurate is predicts eclipses hundreds of years into the future and is even more accurate than the Gregorian calendar that we use. The Mayan calendar mysteriously stops at 12-21-2012. I guess it didn't occur to anybody that maybe they just never got around to making the calendar go any further. I mean seriously, the civilization collapsed in the 9th century due to unknown reasons. Maybe the calendar makers didn't get to go any further than the winter solstice over a thousand years in advance before the drought, or revolt, or epidemic, or whatever killed them. But that aside, there's a bunch more evidence pointing to 12-21-2012 as doomsday. First, I-Ching, those little Chinese coins that I used to use in 7th grade to tell fortunes. It consists of three coins. You flip them and write either a solid line or a broken line depending on whether you get mostly heads or mostly tails, then repeat for a total of six times. The combination of lines can be looked up in a book to produce surprisingly accurate answers to whatever question was asked. One day a scientist randomly decided one day to graph the change of the I-Ching lines, repeat it 64 times, the number of line combinations, and place it on a time line starting at I-Ching's conception. (Don't ask me why. He must've been crazy bored.) He found that peaks and valleys in the graph corresponded to major events in history like both World Wars. He also found that the graph ended exactly on December 21, 2012.

Those are the two things specifically pointing to 12-21-2012 as the end of the world. Besides those, however, there's a collection of prophecies from assorted oracles including Merlyn (not the lovable old wizard, the Celtic Myrddin who was half human, half demon and lived in the forest), the Sybil, the oracles at Delphi, a Native American shaman, and John, the author of the Book of Revelations. I can't say much about most of the oracles except that it is speculated that the Sybil and the Delphi ladies were put into their famous trances by natural gases since they did their prophesizing underground. All of the listed people, with the exception of John, kept their prophesies for the most part vague, which would allow for multiple interpretations, but have a good record of miraculous predictions. John's own frightening account of the Apocalypse, which many people say will be happening sometime within this century, can be interpreted as a warning for his own time period instead of a sight into the future. His predicts the Antichrist and uses the number 666 as the Number of the Beast. The Roman emperor Nero's name, when written in Greek and converted by numerology, equals exactly 666 and he is known for his persecution of Christians and is considered the Antichrist by some people.

Whatever time period the Book of Revelations refers to, there are still overwhelming predictions foretelling society's down fall sometime soon. What is going to happen, then? On 12-21-2012 the sun and the Earth and the center of the universe will reportedly all be in alignment for the first time in thousands of years. Nobody knows what that will cause. There is speculation that a pole shift will occur then, meaning the North and South poles will shift an unknown amount out of the regular alignment and the mantel of the Earth will shift. The poles shift a tiny amount regularly based on season, but this shift will be, if I might say, apocalyptic. This will cause our electronics to malfunction, serious earthquakes, tsunamies, storms, volcanic eruptions and a whole ton of awfulness. The magnetic field protects Earth from the sun's radiation and when that is disturbed the Earth will be pelted with horrible radiation and might burn up a bit. How fun. Keep in mind this is only a theory. A scary theory, but a theory nonetheless. Just thought you all'd like to know.

♥ j.j.