Deck the Halls & a liiitle bit of ego (just a little...)

Christmas comes this time each year.

Amazing insight from the Beach boys. Christmas does, indeed, come this time each year. And I love it. Christmas is my second favorite holiday, being beaten only by Halloween and it's very close. I'm looking for cello and violin sheet music because I got a violin yesterday. Best present ever. If only I knew how to tune it and didn't break the G string. I'm really hoping I get some time soon so that I'll be able to learn to play the violin and regain my awesomeness on the cello. I aim to be Yo-Yo Ma by the time I'm off to college. (Which reminds me, his Songs of Joy and Peace album that just came out is great stuff. It can do without some of the women singing and maybe a tad less jazz, but other than that, I love it.) I think that's a fair goal, yes? Maybe I should try to be him at age 7, which would still be like master. He played for JFK at the White House then.

So I made the dangerous decision not to buy my mom anything for Christmas. I realized after two trips to the mall that nothing I could buy would mean enough for me to actually give to her. I've got a special relationship with my mom and I think that pretty much anything tangible won't be special enough to give her. Instead I wrote a letter expressing those very sentiments and offered to make breakfast (although I recommended against it). It turned out alright. I don't think I can do this for every holiday though, so I better start planning for Mother's Day and actually come up with something I like enough to give her. I wrote her a poem this year.

So. Something's been bothering me for a couple weeks. Typing out my problems to someone always makes me feel better, but this particular problem is especially sensitive because complaining to the wrong person could cause an horrible mess and make many things very awkward for many people. The one person I'm confident I can tell was busy when I really wanted to tell him. That's why you readers of my blog get a vague recount. It's better than nothing. I've already talked the ears of my mom and Garth off about this, but talking out loud only gets me more worked up.

One of my friends (I use that term loosely) has felt the need to devalue everything I've said for the past couple weeks. This is a recent development, as our relationship has always been pretty nice and civil. A couple of the comments made to me or about me in my presence have crossed the line, but I've been nice enough to ignore it then and mull over it getting sad or angry later. Well the last time said person did this, they told me that I'm stuck on myself, in those words. This comes after I was complaining about aggressive colleges to someone else, mind you. It had nothing to do with how awesome I am and all to do about how upset I was about getting a Christmas greeting from a college when I was expecting my admissions decision. This comment made me particularly upset because I am not stuck on myself in any sense of the word. In fact, I've got a small inferiority complex which makes me depressed at least once a week. I think that when something happens, like me getting into two colleges the way I did, getting invited to play in olympic style games in Holland and all the other things that I get so excited about, I have a right to tell my friends and get them to celebrate with me. Happy dancing by myself is only fun for so long. Is it wrong to be excited when good stuff happens to me? If so, oh boy have I been living my life wrong.

I don't go overboard when I get excited, I just get really happy, so there's really no reason to think I'm stuck on myself. Maybe the high volume of good stuff happening has made the person think that I'm always bragging. But still, that isn't a reason to be mean to me. I honestly feel like I deserve the stuff that's happening to me right now considering I've worked hard for it all and went through some horrible circumstances before I got to this point in my life. My mom says the person is jealous and Garth says they feel threatened. First of all, jealousy is childish. Whenever I feel jealous about something, I try to get rid of it as fast as I can. Second, the person's got no reason to feel threatened by me at all. None. I don't want anything they've got. So I don't really know what's up with the person. It just makes me feel bad, downplays my accomplishments, and makes me feel vindictive. It makes me want to rub all THREE (yes THREE! I got accepted to another school today) of my acceptance letters and my invitation to Holland in their face and bring my super cute foreign nineteen year old friend that the person insisted was a creeper, even though they haven't met him and doesn't know the customs of his country, to be all like "Oooh. Look-y what I got." This are bad things. I shouldn't want to do that, but it's hard to suppress when I'm being constantly degraded. I really don't want to snap and start yelling at the person, but it's getting increasingly hard to control myself when everything I say in their presence is shot down. I also don't want to spend my entire lunch period not talking like I tried Tuesday. If I don't talk, I can't get my feelings hurt, but I also get depressed and alone. I'll see how things are after break and I hope it's fixed. Although I'm gonna tell my other friends about my new acceptance. If the person doesn't like it, too bad for them. I must be a better person.

OK. Sorry for the long post. Makes up for all my not posting. I feel so much better now.

♥ j.j.